HOOTS, I’ve caused a stir by saying we should ignore Nicola Sturgeon and Scotchish independence. Here’s what I learned during a government fact-finding trip to this strange, backward little province.
Sturgeon is the Queen of the Scotch
I thought their leader was Sean Connery, but it turns out to be Sturgeon, who I’m sure is Wee Jimmy Krankie. You’d think someone would have noticed that before and commented on it. But that’s why we can ignore the SNP. You can’t have a country run by a schoolboy, even if he was on Crackerjack.
The language is very confusing
You’ll need a translator. Apparently ‘auld’ means ‘old’. How on earth are you meant to work that out? ‘Buckie’ means ‘Buckfast tonic’ – a slang term without rhyme or reason. And although ‘ya bawbag’ sounds like ‘you ballbag’ it actually means ‘Nice to meet you’, as in ‘Ya bawbag, Truss’.
Can we trust them with Trident?
I understand English people’s concern – we don’t want to be nuked by a Scotch who’s seen Braveheart too many times! But I doubt they really understand what Trident is. I leave my cat Disraeli unsupervised all the time, and he hasn’t worked out how to use the cooker. Maybe he’s a bit slow. I shall ask another cat owner if theirs uses the cooker.
The Loch Ness Monster is real
I spent an hour by Loch Ness throwing bits of tuna sandwich in and, bold as brass, a Loch Ness monster swam right up to me. It was furry with whiskers and about the size of a small dog, which was odd because I expected it to be more like a dinosaur. Clearly the scientists need to do more Nessie research.
Scotchland can’t rely on hunting bagpipes for income
A professional bagpipe hunter informed me that these strange creatures with five wooden legs are widely hunted for their meat (haggis) and to be turned into musical instruments. This is no way to run a modern economy. The Scotch should find out if they have any valuable natural resources to sell, such as oil, or develop a thriving cheese industry.
My final thoughts on Scotchland
Despite it being a pretend country, I’m very fond of Scotchland, with its yappy little terriers and fun-loving heroin addicts like Ewan McGregor. When I’m prime minister I’ll extend the hand of friendship and be just as popular with the Scotch as their favourite PM, Margaret Thatcher.
