A MAN has confirmed his sudden, mid-lovemaking enthusiasm for cunnilingus is in no way related to the impotence he is currently experiencing. 

While Jordan Gardner had initially planned his date with Lucy Parry to end with the traditional nine thrusts, phone scroll and snoring sleep that he knows women love, a combination of exhaustion and alcohol led him to performing with his tongue instead.

Between dives, he said: “I’m a modern man – I cook, am in favour of women voting and will lick a lady’s muff to get her going and prove I’m a gentleman.

“It’s not normally returned to at such length, but that said there is a time and a place for prioritising a lady’s enjoyment and it’s just a coincidence that I’m on the flop.

“I’ll always put a woman’s sexual pleasure first when no other options are available. When the alternative is sitting on the edge of the bed like you’re in a targeted advert for a specific medication for the middle-aged I’m capable of being very clit-focused.

“Perhaps she’ll reciprocate, that might get it to work, perhaps she’ll rightly assume I’m a sensitive, generous lover and pass my number to her hotter friends. Either’s better than getting nicknamed ‘Ubisoft’.”

Parry said: “Going down on a woman the first night? Desperate. Blocked.”