subscribe
/ Sign Out

Labour Politicians Do Nothing Wrong Again

THE Labour Party was embroiled in controversy last night after another four of its politicians did absolutely nothing wrong.

As the Sunday Times published details of four labour peers accepting money to try and influence legislation, the party said it was not often British politics was confronted with such a spectacular absence of wrongdoing.

Labour peer Lord Moonie, said: "Asking for money to perform consultancy tasks that may or may not involve tabling amendments may not be right, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

"And either way, as a member of the British legislature it is hardly for me to decide what should and should not be against the law."

A Labour spokesman said the latest example of Labour politicians not doing anything wrong would be confirmed after a thorough investigation by the Labour Leader of the House of Lords.

It is the first time this year that Labour politicians have done nothing wrong and comes after a series of money related scandals in which there was absolutely no wrongdoing.

The spokesman added: "Yes, Peter Hain failed to register donations to his deputy leadership campaign and was rebuked by the Commons but I'm sure you'll agree, he didn't actually do anything wrong.

"Yes, we accepted £600,000 from a millionaire businessman in someone else's name in a clear breach of the rules, but that's not the same as actual wrongdoing.

"Yes, lots of people may have been offered this or that in exchange for a donation but it is a matter of record that no-one did anything wrong. Even the Crown Prosecution Service somehow managed to agree with us on that one.

"And yes, Peter Mandelson failed to declare details about his mortgage and tried to help some Indian chums skip the passport queue. That, of course, is textbook example of no-one doing anything wrong as you can see from his recent promotion."

BBC To Screen Gaza Appeal If It Includes Phone-In Scam

THE BBC has agreed to air a charity appeal for the stricken people of Gaza, as long as they can include a fraudulent phone-in contest, it emerged last night.

The Corporation is finalising the details but insisted it needs time to develop a phone-in scam that is both horribly dishonest and completely impartial.

A BBC spokesman said: "Obviously we are looking at ways of skimming five, maybe ten pence off the top of every donation.

"But we'd also like to set up a fake competition to run alongside the appeal that would then be won by a member of staff posing as one of the plebs.

"We could maybe offer a two week trip to Israel and the question could be something like, 'how do you spell Gaza?' Is it a) Gaza, b) Gazzzza, or c) fyjyplymp?'"

The BBC had earlier refused to screen the appeal claiming it would face accusations of being biased towards not dying horribly.

The spokesman added: "Screening a humanitarian appeal which most people are going to ignore anyway would have destroyed the BBC's reputation, just as if it had been hit by wave after wave of indiscriminate air strikes."

Tom Logan, professor of communications at Reading University, said: "It's a difficult one for the BBC. It has to weigh up a lot of very complex factors before surrendering five minutes of airtime that would otherwise be filled with vapid, unoriginal shit."

The BBC appeal will be introduced by Jonathan Ross, the jumped-up researcher, who will highlight the suffering of Palestine's 80 year-old grandmothers, many of whom he would like to have sex with.

Next story ›