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Johnson accidentally throws party at Duke of Edinburgh memorial

THE prime minister was caught throwing an impromptu 120-person party with cheese, wine and a karaoke machine at Westminster Abbey yesterday.

Boris Johnson and wife Carrie attended the memorial service for Prince Philip and initially appeared to be soberly dressed and observing all rules with the proper decorum.

But, following the reading from Isaiah 40 by the Right Honourable the Lord Wallace of Tankerness QC, witnesses noticed that neither Johnson or his wife were in their seats and there was thumping bass music and coloured lighting emanating from the cloisters.

An archdeacon said: “I poked my head around the door and was shocked to see Johnson, his wife, around 100 Downing Street staff and Conservative donors, interior designer Lulu Lytle and Lords Goldsmith, Cruddas and Lebedev partying like there was no tomorrow.

“There was a professional DJ and lightshow, a fully-stocked free bar, and waiters bearing trays of crudites. I personally saw a sweating Michael Gove throwing shapes on the dancefloor to the Major Lazer remix of Shape of You.

“Nonetheless all participants, including the Duke of York, insisted they were not there and it was in any case a meeting where people were talking about work.”

Johnson told the media that he cannot discuss the event because it is under investigation by the Metropolitan Police, following which he will also not discuss it.

Six great films about having sex with things that aren't human

RELATIONSHIP problems? Think it might be worth trying your luck with a different species or thing? As with all life decisions, Hollywood films are full of valuable advice.

The Shape of Water

Guillermo del Toro thinks he’s challenging conventional notions of male beauty with a woman having sex with a grotesque blue amphibian. But really it’s a no-brainer. He only knows a few words, so no droning on about his day at work or Aston Villa, and he’s easy to cook for – some fish flakes in his tank should do.

Under the Skin 

Alien Scarlett Johansson is picking up men to study and dissolve in a pool of black goo. The rather bleak message: sex inevitably leads to a lonely, impersonal and terrifying death. On the other hand, it is Scarlett Johansson, so you’d definitely do it, you jammy bastard.

Solo: A Star Wars Story

It’s implied that Lando is shagging mechanical-looking robot L3-37, although it may just be crap scriptwriting. Either way, she says of human-droid sex, ‘It works.’ Unfortunately this calls to mind images of Lando trying to force his penis into a small slot like a parking meter. Male viewers will also be unable to shake off the suspicion that going out with Phoebe Waller-Bridge would be f**king hard work.

The Stepford Wives

Husbands are having their wives replaced with utterly obedient robots, although in real life you’d be scared of these creepy automata with their emotionless, repetitive conversation. It’s a passable satire on sexist 1970s attitudes which manages to be sexist itself by casting attractive Nanette Newman as ‘the frumpy one’, the bastards.

Blade Runner 2049

Replicant hunter K spends his evenings wanking over the hologram Joi, which seems like a definite technological step backwards from shagging 40s retro babe Sean Young. Maybe that’s why he’s so depressed and existential all the time. 

Avatar

Did anyone except James Cameron find these blue New Age native American hippies attractive, with their too-wide-apart eyes and flattened Henry Cooper noses? If you’re trying non-human sex with blue things, have the courage of your convictions and shag Smurfette. You know you’ve always been secretly smurf-curious.  

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