subscribe
/ Sign Out

It has come to this

IT has come to this, the UK realises, as Liz Truss is named prime minister.

The announcement that Boris Johnson’s successor, who was Theresa May’s successor, who was David Cameron’s successor, is now prime minister has confronted the UK with what it has become.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Liz Truss. Liz f**king Truss. That’s how low we’ve sunk.

“You’d hope this could act like a sharp, bracing wake-up call, like when a blackout alcoholic wakes up in the central reservation of a busy flyover and realises this can’t carry on.

“But it won’t. If anything I think we’ll end up sinking lower than Liz Truss, though for the life of me I can’t see how. Prime minister Priti Patel? Prime minister Jacob Rees-Mogg. I’m scaring myself now.

“Thousands of years of British history and this is how it ends. Leading the world in innovation, in the arts, all of that and now we’re at the level of a third-world country where the dictator’s daughter becomes leader while he has a nice year off.

“Everything we’ve said, everything we’ve done, has brought us to the point of Liz Truss. It was all worthless because now we’re at Liz Truss. F**king hell.”

Five f**king awful friends every woman's had

IF you’ve made the mistake of having friends while being female, you’ve suffered through a regrettable friendship with these intolerable arseholes:  

The whining one

Ever thought you had it tough? How wrong you were. The world is intentionally pitted against this woman, whether it’s luck, love or the law. While everything is orchestrated to ruin her life your problems are meagre in comparison, even if she’s got an ingrown toenail and you’ve got diphtheria. God forbid you should ever have good news.

The intense one

While you were regretting going back to hers that one time, she decided you were best friends. Now you can’t even go for a piss without telling her. Meanwhile your real BFF doesn’t understand why this freak is tagging you on Instagram posts with the caption ‘shout out to my twin soul and closest, truest friend’.

The bullshitting one

Everyone lies. Pub conversation would be lost without it. But this cow takes it to the limit. Not only has she shagged Neymar on his private jet, but she’s done all your best anecdotes twice as fast in five-inch heels. All fun until you dare to Google the 2004 Olympics women’s quadruple sculling team she was part of, and get an earful about trust and boundaries.

The drama one

F**k’s sake. You were just drifting off to sleep when WhatsApp started beeping madly, with a flurry of messages insisting on an urgent immediate call. Which turns out to be because she’s had a text from her ex asking if he can have his sander back and she’s interpreted this as a sign that they’re back together and will marry in the spring.

The horrible one

This bullying twat snuck into your social circle when you were distracted and made every brunch into a public shaming. Snide comments about your outfit, flirting with your boyfriend, pitying your attempts to exercise: she only befriended you to feel better about herself, because you’re so far beneath her. Or you have a friend you do this to and you’re the horrible one.

Next story ›