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How I personally fixed the Post Office scandal in just one week, by Rishi Sunak

NOBODY had heard about this terrible injustice until it was on telly last week, and now I’ve fixed the whole thing all by myself. Here’s how I did it.

I watched ITV

Have you ever watched ITV? Probably not. It’s a TV channel for poor people I was watching it because I’m a regular guy, and that’s how I saw Mr Bates vs The Post Office. So it’s thanks to my research that everyone knows about the scandal. It’s just lucky I didn’t switch off after Coronation Street. I still have no idea what any of that was about.

I was shocked and appalled

How could things have gone so far without anyone realising what was going on? There should have been newspaper articles and episodes of Panorama and public inquiries, but were there? No. I never saw any. I realised I could not let such a grave miscarriage of justice go unnoticed, and it would have been morally wrong not to help all those innocent people. Also Laura Kuenssberg might keep going on about it, so I had to act.

I demanded Paula Vennells give back her CBE

I did that. Me. Nobody else had suggested she didn’t deserve it, apart from Mr Bates from the TV but he’s one of the little people so he doesn’t count. So I made a weaselly little suggestion that I would ‘strongly support’ Vennells handing back her CBE and she did. It was nothing to do with literally everyone in the country criticising her, it was all my doing. Dishy Rishi to the rescue again, like with Eat Out To Help Out. 

I knew nothing about Fujitsu, honest

Fujitsu was in charge of the Horizon IT system which caused all the trouble. And the British government continued to give them contracts worth billions of pounds while I was both chancellor and prime minister. But no one realised there was a problem because only the sub-postmasters knew, and their lawyers, and MPs, especially the ones who brought it up in parliament. But that doesn’t mean I knew. Shush about it now.

I saved the day

Guess who made an announcement yesterday that the government would grant an unprecedented blanket acquittal for all of the sub-postmasters involved in the scandal? That’s right, me. I stood up in parliament and cleared all their names, because I am the true hero of this story, not the people who worked tirelessly for justice. Plus it deflected from Keir Starmer making me look like a tit at PMQs again. Well, almost.

Ryvita and seaweed crisps: The joyless prick's guide to snacking

SNACKING is one of the few sources of joy we can look forward to each day. Here health obsessive Lauren Hewitt reveals the best foods to make it miserable.

Energy bars

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a bag of KP Fruit & Nut Mix fell into a rubbish compactor? There are now literally hundreds of companies answering this very question. Anyone for dried-out walnuts and bananas compressed into a log denser than a neutron star? Form an orderly queue, food lovers.

Ryvita

Ryvita is one of the few commercially available snacks that, if were to eat them without any form of spread or dip, would make you dangerously dehydrated and requiring hospitalisation. That said, they’re incredibly low on calories, and considering how hard it is to actually burn them off, being put on an emergency saline drip seems a small price to pay.

Celery stick

A rod of chewable water? Sign me up! While some people might be tempted to pair celery sticks with dips like hummus, tzatziki, or some other flavour-based spread, this really only detracts from the joy of celery itself. Eating raw, plain celery allows you to appreciate the vegetable’s unmistakable taste of soil and old grass.

Seaweed crisps

Crisps are perhaps the classic snack and so simple they are surely impossible to ruin. Which is why replacing delicious fried potatoes with brittle shards of ocean vegetable that fish have definitely pissed on is so ingenious. Instead of rich, greasy potato, you get to gnaw on a sort of sheet of dried, aquatic paper. Delicious. Well, I like to pretend so.

Plain rice cake

When you need a little something to tide you over from your lunch of kale soup to your dinner of kale and chickpea soup, why not tuck into a delicious plain rice cake? It packs in all the flavour of lightly-seasoned styrofoam and will make a bowl of tepid kale juice with beans in it feel like a flavour supernova.

Prunes

Prunes are often overlooked in the dried fruit snacking world thanks to their more sexier, more glamorous cousins, raisins and sultanas. But sweet treats like chocolate will be far from your mind after you’ve tucked into desiccated plums. What’s more, they’ll keep your bowel movements as regular and vigorous as a freight train, which health fanatics love to discuss.

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