SUELLA Braverman, by the powers granted her as a non-white Conservative, has granted you as a white person exemption from guilt. Collect your card here.
Please provide proof of citizenship, proof of whiteness, and proof that your ancestors, an area you live or a business you worked for profited from the slave trade. This can be provided by the Guardian.
Present yourself at your local town hall. Suella herself cannot be on hand to bless you but municipal staff are empowered to exempt you from guilt for slavery, and their skin colour is irrelevant to you.
Avow that it was a long time ago, that you do not care if people are pink with yellow dots, and that you personally enoy the works of Bob Marley/Lee Scratch Perry/Sean Paul (by preference).
You will be photographed looking like you have nothing to apologise for and given your White Person Guilt Exemption card. This lasts for 20 years or until the end of your natural life, which will come first.
This card may now be presented at any occasion where you may be expected to feel white guilt, including plays at the Barbican, the British Museum and prominent city centre memorials to slave-traders.
It also confers on the bearer full and final proof that their political views are not racist. Go, and enjoy your guilt-free world.
