Enforced public nudity and kidnapping your dog: what Keir Starmer's 'change' really means, by the Daily Mail

23rd May 2024

KEIR Starmer is promising to deliver change without elaborating on the specifics. Here’s what it undoubtedly entails, according to the feverish mind of the Daily Mail.

Enforced public nudity

Britain is a prudish country whose interest in nakedness is limited to ogling celebs in bikinis in our sidebar. Ultra-liberal Keir Starmer’s promise of change will end this proud way of life. If he gets in, public nudity will be enforced like ULEZ, and anyone popping to the shops in even just their socks will be imprisoned. Because of woke.

Kidnapping your dog

Where’s your dog right now? Resting on your sofa or eating from their bowl? Enjoy their company while it lasts. A Labour parliament will send the heavies round to take Fido away just to demonstrate the power of the state. It’s not actually included in their six pledges nobody can remember, but if you read between the lines it’s screamingly obvious that they want to do this.

Meghan crowned Queen

And not just a fake Queen like Camilla, a proper one who has her face on coins and stamps. Do you really want to see that smug, power-hungry jam-peddler on the throne? Of course not. Do the right thing on July 4th and vote for a rational alternative to Labour, like Count Binface. His policy of banning loud snacks in theatres is the change people actually want to see.

The demolition of the Cenotaph

If Starmer gets enough votes, the first thing he’ll do as prime minister is swing a wrecking ball at the Cenotaph and any brave football hooligan protestors trying to stand in his way. It may not seem obvious to ordinary voters like you, but experts like John Curtice know for a fact it’s part of Labour’s election strategy to reduce the Cenotaph to rubble. Sunak, on the other hand, would respectfully make love to it.

Wokeness taught in schools by Gary Lineker

This will be the culmination of Labour’s centrist agenda: progressive education in your child’s school taught by Gary Lineker himself. Wave goodbye to a curriculum of British values that moulds kids into productive little worker bees, and say hello to the heresy of gender identity being pumped into their faces. And you thought Blair’s war crimes were bad. Wait until your child comes home from school looking like Jinkx Monsoon.

Disgusting clean air for everyone

London was just the start. If Starmer gets in then the whole country will become a clean air zone polluted with rancid oxygen free from exhaust fumes. Yes, Starmer hates car owners that much. If you love Britain, do the right thing and vote for Rishi, or if you can’t bring yourself to do that, at least spoil your ballot.

The Spark, and other hits by the under-12s that must be expunged from history

23rd May 2024

A GROUP of Irish pre-teen rappers have recorded the viral hit The Spark. Unsurprisingly it is f**king horrible and all traces of it should be destroyed, along with these other ‘heartwarming’ child hits.

There’s No One Quite Like Grandma – St Winifred’s School Choir, 1980

A sickeningly twee tribute to grans with clunky lyrics: ‘She’s there in times of need/ Before it’s bedtime, on her knee, to us a book she’ll read.’ You’ve got to wonder what old person would actually want to be honoured with crap like this. Maybe there really is no one quite like grandma – no one with her complete f**king lack of musical taste, anyway.

The Spark – Kabin Krew & Lisdoonvarna Crew, 2024

Nine-year-olds rapping is never a good idea, but internet morons and the BBC have decided this is ‘life-affirming’, so f**k you. It’s the result of an Irish youth project allowing the kids to make a rap track, and you can’t deny it’s upbeat, in a ‘Christ, make it stop’ kind of way. Required listening for anyone who’s wondered what it’s like to have a bad trip at a children’s birthday party.

Long Haired Lover From Liverpool – Little Jimmy Osmond, 1972

Disturbingly high-pitched novelty song inexplicably made worse by adding a banjo. It’s jarring that nine-year-old Jimmy should be singing about being your lover, but the real horrors are his hair and jumper, which instantly give you flashbacks to the grim, taste-free 1970s. It would be less unsettling if the IRA had recorded a Christmas single.

Grandad – Clive Dunn, 1970

Clive Dunn sings most of it, but the child singers who do the ‘Grandad, you’re lovely’ bits are equally culpable. ‘I’ve been sitting here all day, thinking,’ mumbles Clive, sadly. ‘Now my days are gone, memories linger on, thoughts of when I was a boy.’ Christ it’s depressing, especially when you realise you’ll be in Grandad’s rocking chair one day, alone with your memories, all the people you once loved now dead and rotting in the uncaring earth. Not really one to put on at parties.

Jump – Kriss Kross, 1992

If cynicism made a sound, it would be this. To target a younger rap audience, pint-sized rappers Chris Kelly and Chris Smith spit rhymes that are not only blandly generic but also slightly inappropriate for 12-year-olds: ‘I’ll make you bump bump, wiggle and shake your rump.’ I don’t think so, lads, I’m 36. Still, it’s interesting to see what would happen if you put Snoop Dogg through a shrink ray.

ABC – The Jackson Five, 1970

Even if you find it catchy rather than irritating, with hindsight you can’t help but notice the sinister undertones – you can tell just by the polished dance routines that some pretty punishing rehearsals took place. It’s hard not to speculate that if this and I Want You Back hadn’t been hits, Michael might have had a normal life and not been so destructive to himself and others as an adult. And you wouldn’t have to listen to his annoying squeaky voice. Everyone’s a winner, except Joe Jackson.

It’s the Hard-Knock Life – Aileen Quinn, 1982

Annie, the film of the musical of the comic strip, is the usual cute orphan bollocks about escaping from a cruel orphanage and getting adopted by a kindly rich person. This song is the sort of good-people-will-get-their-reward-eventually toss you expect from musicals, but there’s no excuse for Jay-Z making an even shitter version. You did 99 Problems, you twat, you didn’t need to sample this.