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Biggest Tory majority since Thatcher wanked away by dickhead

THE biggest Conservative majority in three decades has been wanked away to nothing by a complete dickhead of a leader. 

Two years ago, Boris Johnson won a bollock-kicking majority of 80 seats, but now is only able to pass vital legislation protecting the public with the help of Sir Keir Starmer.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Normally in a case like this the reasons for the unprecedented rebellion would be complex and manifold. But Boris is just a twat.

“We all knew he was a twat before we elected him, but Brexit was of such vital importance we had no choice. Now, with a mere pandemic our only worry, it’s become a pressing issue.

“The parties, the lies, constantly being whipped to vote for total bullshit that he then pulls a full U-turn on making us look like dicks, it’s all added up. From now on we’ll vote however we fancy.

“No confidence? I’m confident he’s f**ked it.”

Johnson said: “With my loyal ERG nutters by my side, I’ll fire anyone who disagrees with me like in 2019! What? They’re not on my side? They hate me? Shit.”

Middle-class eight-year-old hears the word 'no' for first time

A MIDDLE-CLASS child is suffering from shock after being exposed to the word ‘no’ for the first time in his entire life.

James Bates-Hudson, aged eight, was left confused and shaken after he was told ‘no’ by an ignorant social inferior in Sainsbury’s who objected to him licking bakery items before replacing them on the shelves.

Eyewitness Tom Logan said: “At first he froze in place like a spooked horse, baffled by the alien sound of the word. Terror, panic and indignation flashed in his eyes.

“As if the signal hadn’t reached his heedless hands, he picked up a pain au raisin to give it a lick. The ‘No’ was repeated, along with an admonishment that you cannot take things that are not yours. His face was a mask of terrified incomprehension.

“He stumbled along behind his mother, shaking with the realisation that the world was not the benevolent, forgiving playground he imagined. And when his mother was asked to pay for the spitty croissants, it dawned on him that actions have consequences.

“His whole world fell apart. Even his mother struggled to cope. I don’t think she’d heard ‘no’ often enough to be used to it. They were both broken by its force.”

Sociologists are still studying the wider effects of ‘no’, but believe it could be a key tool in raising the middle classes to be less entitled little bastards.

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