THE Conservatives cannot fathom how they could possibly end the baffling, motiveless rail strike. These are their panicked ideas thus far.
Banning strikes
A blanket ban on the withdrawal of labour, turning Britons into indentured slaves, would be impossible and spark more strikes. Meanwhile it would solve no underlying problems whatsoever. A policy with all the hallmarks of Liz Truss, ie. it appears to have been devised in one minute by a small child.
Banning trains
Since trains are the cause of all the trouble, ban them. The very idea of collective travel is anti-individual and socialist. Only cars are truly Conservative.
Banning unions
Unions are communist, ie. the Soviet Union. So unions are banned and all members are blacklisted and never allowed to work again. Nor will they be allowed benefits. Labour shortages will be covered by EU citizens – ah shit no. Maybe migrants. Not non-white ones – that’d be electoral suicide. Robots? Yes, robots will do everything. Problem solved.
Raising rail sector CEO wages
Trickle-down economics means that the more the leaders at the top get paid, the more money travels through the system to the workers at the bottom. So simply by doubling, trebling or octupling rail bosses’ wages, signallers will get pay rises in six to 12 years.
Thatcher
The answer to strikes is Thatcher. When there were strikes, the mere presence of Thatcher in a royal blue twinset made them magically melt away or something. Nobody’s sure of the details, it was so long ago. Anyway, we need a new Thatcher. Any candidates? No, not you, Liz.
Immediate massive national prosperity
The UK suddenly becoming the sole resource for something incredibly valuable that’s in huge worldwide demand would raise everyone’s incomes and settle this handily. Something like Unobtanium from Avatar. Maybe it could glow blue and make you immortal? Let’s discover that.
Meeting worker demands for a pay increase and no redundancies
Impossible. Made-up joke economics by left-wing cretins who know nothing. Especially when there are simple solutions like those above.
