'Arise, Sir Twat': Your guide to Gavin Williamson's knighthood

BRITONS are genuinely shocked by useless former minister Gavin Williamson getting a knighthood. Here we answer your understandable questions about this baffling event.

How the f**king hell did a twat like Williamson get a knighthood?

The obvious reason is he was a loyal Boris Johnson supporter. But there’s a plausible rumour that it’s to keep quiet about yet more damaging revelations about the PM – he’s made threats to spill the beans before. So basically you can have a knighthood for being a blackmailer. Maybe you can get one for credit card fraud.

Does he have to slay dragons like a Ye Olde Worlde knight?

No, because they don’t exist, and it’s just as well. Williamson is so incompetent he’d return from battle saying ‘Got it, kicked the dragon’s arse’. Then it would turn out he’d actually killed someone’s labrador.

Don’t you need to have achieved something great to be a ‘Sir’?

Nah. Honours are mainly cronyism or crass crowd-pleasing, eg. Dame Mary Berry. A life peerage recently went to Sir Ian Botham, who just happens to support Brexit. Robert Mugabe was knighted once, and he was just mental. Williamson did win fireplace salesman of the year 2007 and 2008, so maybe it’s a surprisingly generous reward for that.

He must have done something notable, surely?

Yes, being preternaturally incompetent. His main cock-up was the exam shambles during Covid, but there’s lots more. As defence minister, he said ‘Russia should go away and shut up’. If only Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelensky had thought of that, the idiot. There was also an illicit office romance, best forgotten about if you don’t want unpleasant visions of Williamson pumping away cluelessly on top of you.

Is anyone actually pleased about this?

Williamson, obviously, because he’s too thick to see the hollowness of his ‘achievement’. And maybe his pet tarantula Cronus. Yes, he really is the sort of creepy macho twat who owns a tarantula named after a Greek god.

So basically there’s no reason whatsoever for this twat to get a knighthood?

Correct. It may even pave the way for more dreadful people to be knighted. In the future, don’t be surprised to see Sir Vladimir Putin, Sir Prince Andrew and Sir Crazy Frog.

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Five perfectly innocent texts and how your partner will misinterpret them

ONLY a passive-aggressive weirdo could misinterpret simple texts. That’s your partner and here’s how they’ll read a straightforward message totally the wrong way.

Simple, concise and positive. What could go wrong? Just the fact that you’ll soon be dealing with your partner’s mad paranoia. Why didn’t you use an exclamation mark? Did you not spell it ‘okay’ because you’re mad with them and can’t be bothered anymore? Their friends will agree it’s pretty cold, mate.

Running a bit late

Even if you’re notoriously shit at keeping track of time this will trigger suspicion. Your tardiness is because you’re in bed with that work colleague you’re always talking about. It was probably all you could do to press ‘send’ in between the throes of passion, you bastard. Expect a text in response saying it’s over.

LOL

Your partner sent you a funny meme, which is the foundation of your relationship, and you replied with this. Bad move. They will think you’re laughing at them instead of with them. Expect to be immediately blocked and cancelled on social media. What sort of scumbag sends ambiguous texts mocking their own partner?

See you soon

This is breezy enough, surely? No. It’s as formal as an email from your manager requesting you at a disciplinary meeting, and your partner will read it in the malevolent voice of a Mafia don. You might as well have written, ‘Attend meeting room 12 promptly. Bring the horse’s head I left in your bed.’

Night night love you xxx

It’s got ‘love’ in so this text is watertight, right? Look closer, arsehole. There’s only three kisses at the end, which is less than you usually use, and there’s not even a heart emoji. Are you some sort of robot? Instead of sleeping your partner will start swiping Tinder for someone who isn’t a cold, distant sociopath incapable of expressing emotion.

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