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Woman typing loudly obviously very productive

A WOMAN who is hammering her keyboard to within an inch of its life must be incredibly productive, colleagues have confirmed.

Client manager Nikki Hollis has been subjecting her keyboard to a punishing barrage of clicks, taps and emphatic space-bar blows, which she believes will convince everyone that she is hitting her performance goals.

She said: “The rest of the office is pin-drop quiet, with everyone beavering away in silence. This means you can’t really tell who’s working hard and who’s stalking their ex on Facebook.

“So to let everyone knows I’m a real toiler I bludgeon my keyboard with pugilistic intensity. Sometimes I like to liven things up by letting out a massive sigh or loudly cursing under my breath.

“Don’t tell anyone, but it makes zero impact on my under-par work. Mostly it’s personal emails.”

Hollis’ boss Tom Booker said: “Nikki’s gone through three keyboards in 12 months because she wears them out with her performance typing.

“It’s costing IT a small fortune. But she’s clearly working harder than everyone else so any bad results aren’t her fault and I’ll probably promote her.”

Baby's first memory is of mum dropping her phone on his head

A BABY’s earliest memory will be of his mother dropping her iPhone on his head when she was feeding him. 

Eight-month-old Tom Logan will never forget the moment he was suckling at his mother’s breast and suddenly felt the sharp impact of an iPhone X that had slipped from her busy hand.

He said: “I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this proves formative.

“There I am enjoying my bedtime feed, cradled in the warmth and comfort of my mother’s arms, basking in her attention and love, when unexpectedly I’m whacked on the head by a glowing phone.

“I’ll never forget the shock and pain of that moment and the awful words that came out of my mother’s mouth following the incident. Something about sh*tty sh*t sh*tballs?

“It was a terrifying experience and I’ll probably be scarred for life. If I turn out to be a psychopath with mummy issues it’ll be all her fault.”

Mother Kelly Logan said: “I feel terrible about dropping the phone but in my defence I was trying to share a Facebook post about climate change, so it’s his future I was thinking of.

“Anyway, he’s probably too young to remember.”

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