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Twat boss rewards efficient work with more f**king work

AN absolute twat of a boss has rewarded an employee who finished her assignments in good time with yet more f**king work.

Project assistant Lucy Parry completed a difficult piece of work early and expected to spend some well-earned time on Instagram, but instead was given work that was both duller and harder than the work she is contractually obliged to do.

She explained: “I thought I’d earn a few brownie points by getting the audit in with time to spare. But instead of heartfelt thanks, my boss stared past me for a few seconds then asked me to do the filing that the summer intern hadn’t got round to.

“Which turns out to be a real pain in the arse of a job on your feet all day picking up invoices from knobhead blokes in sales, while my boss is sitting there chatting to his mate who’s sat in my bloody chair.

“I ended up staying longer than he did. I’m never handing anything in before the last minute again.”

Boss Bill McKay said: “I’m proud of how I thought on my feet. I had absolutely nothing to give her. I almost had to send her home early. Then I remembered – the filing.

“I’ll up my game in future to ensure this doesn’t happen again. Increase her workload, interfere constantly, all that shit. Anything to stop her having a moment free.”

'I'll be back' and other movie lines everyone does shit impressions of

DISCUSSING films? Brace yourself for shit impressions of these memorable lines:

‘I’ll be back’

Can most people do a passable Arnold Schwarzenegger impression? No. Will that stop them from trying to recreate the most notorious line from The Terminator? Also no. Rather than accurately recreating the Austrian strongman’s characteristic drawl, they’ll instead sound like they’ve been lobotomised. To be fair only a trained ear can tell the difference.

‘You talking to me?’

If someone mentions Taxi Driver, prepare for every idiot in your vicinity to put on their hammiest New York accent. Nothing could be less threatening than seeing your office’s nerdy accountant try to impersonate a young Robert de Niro while pretending his fingers are a gun, but play along otherwise he might go mental just like Travis Bickle did. 

‘Say hello to my little friend’

Scarface itself is filled with shit impressions. It features Al Pacino, an Italian-American overactor from New York, half-heartedly adopt a vaguely Cuban accent. This means that when people with no talent for impressions quote it, they’re badly imitating someone doing a poor job to begin with. The results make cinema itself seem like a regrettable mistake.

‘My precious!’

Andy Serkis is a professional actor and motion-capture king whose immense talent transformed Gollum’s ridiculous dialogue from The Lord of the Rings into something guttural and scary. Your friends are not Andy Serkis, meaning their impression will sound like they’re choking on their tongues and will showering you with spittle, which you don’t like.

‘Here’s Johnny!’

Unlike you, Jack Nicholson has a uniquely sinister face and voice. This means that when you try to recreate this iconic line from The Shining, you won’t. Even if you smash down a door with an axe and do your best wild-eyed stare it won’t help, and you’ll have broken a door.

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