DO you like causing misery and suffering to others? Want to get paid for it rather than become a serial killer? Here are six careers that are perfect for power-crazed sadists.
Dentist
Terrify your victims by frowning gravely during a routine check-up, then give them a bollocking for not using those little dental sticks. When the eagerly-awaited painful surgery begins, tell them it won’t hurt before sticking a f**king great needle in their gum. Hilariously, they then have to pay for the privilege of being psychologically and physically tortured.
Gym instructor
You’ve kept yourself in peak physical shape over the years, so it’s only fair you get to make people do painful exercises and body-shame the fatties. Or just anyone less fit. Branch out into aerobics and you can do lots of shouting too, like your second choice of career, prison camp guard.
Bank manager
Any sadist would enjoy turning down desperate people who need a short-term loan to get by, then whack them with extortionate bank charges to keep them up financial shit creek. The possibilities are endless – foreclosing on a small business, suddenly cutting off someone’s overdraft, rejecting a nervous couple’s mortgage application. That’s the ultimate buzz.
Primary school teacher
Who better to bully than small children? Humiliate them by pulling them up in front of the whole class because they can’t spell ‘owl’, the twats. Then set hours of homework you know will make them and their parents feel subnormally thick. Weirdly, you’re rewarded for this awful behaviour, by being allowed to clock off by 3.30 and take massive summer holidays.
Traffic warden
That car is clearly parked a quarter of an inch over the line, so grin sadistically to yourself as you write out a £75 on-the-spot fine. You’ll have such a sense of power you’ll almost believe you’ve got a proper authoritarian job, like a policeman or magistrate. And your uniform is the next best thing to being in the SS.
Your local Conservative MP
Hate the poor? The NHS? Migrants? You’ll get the chance to make them all suffer. People have already proved they’re stupid enough to vote for you no matter how much you despise them, so it’s a pretty safe job. You could end up a minister – or in the top job. You don’t even need qualifications, except being able to stick your penis in a dead pig’s mouth.
