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Not sitting next to the boss: Office Christmas party options you wish were on offer

THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want: 

Not sitting next to the boss

Free wine gets you through most painful small talk. Not an option if you’re engaged in what is effectively a three-hour job interview with the man or woman who holds your future in their hands. While wearing an orange paper crown. One tipsy misstep could give away that you don’t know what you’re doing or why the company exists.

No f**king Christmas music

Nothing ruins the festive mood more. Except those who love it, demand everyone name their favourite Christmas song and you ruin the mood by choosing Steeleye Span’s version of Gaudete. Ideally, the event would take place in complete silence or be soundtracked by something everyone likes, such as 70s prog rockers Van der Graaf Generator.

Opting out of Secret Santa

It’s hard enough to buy thoughtful presents for those you love, let alone those you speak to once a month in the office kitchen. All you know about Tom is that he’s an HR Manager who drinks coffee and goes to the toilet. Those might not be his main interests, but he’s getting a novelty toilet-shaped jar of coffee regardless.

Donna shouldn’t be allowed to drink

You like Donna, which is why you spend every works do keeping her sober. Terrible things happen when she isn’t – snogging interns, vomiting in fish tanks, trying to score coke off bus drivers. Who could forget those eight hours in A&E after Donna broke her nose attempting to flush the toilet in All Bar One? Donna, apparently.

A 5pm curfew

Work socials are still work. Continuing after your allotted hours is unpaid overtime. You’d rather be at home but you’re forced to get smashed, go to a karaoke bar to perform Gimme Gimme Gimme, stagger home at 2am and piss in the garden. Then explain to your partner how you resented every second while nursing a massive hangover.

Everyone gets £50 to go to the pub on their own

The ultimate Christmas party option would be for everyone to piss off. Fifty notes stuck behind the bar of an old-man local to sink pints alone and happy. None of those bastards from the office around and nothing to do but get hammered. But that’s not what Christmas is all about, is it?

Seven eye-catching hairstyles that also released music

THERE are hairstyles that are not only eye-catching and memorable, but were also behind hit songs. These dos lit up the charts: 

Red wave-like sculpted quiff known as ‘La Roux’

Originally a duo, but latterly a solo hairdo, this barnet was famous for its heightened sculpted form, often seen in different shades red or blonde when promoting In For The Kill. Had its greatest exposure to date in 2009 when it inspired Harry Styles’s hair to give music a go.

Upright blonde quiffs referred to as ‘Jedward’

Unfathomable enduring popularity has seen these twin upright hairdos, inspired by tonguing plug sockets, releases four albums and 20-plus singles, each with a video focusing on the hair to distract from the lack of talent beneath. We are not yet past the Jedwardian era.

Ginger dreadlocks alternatively called ‘Mick Hucknall’ or ‘Newton Faulkner’ 

The distinctive red hair attached to a Mancunian refused to allow his face to be shown on its most successful albums, taking full credit. The world has yet to explain why it rewarded redlocks with hit after hit or gave them a second career in the 00s with some shite about robots.

Blonde spiked highlights colloquially dubbed ‘Limahl’ 

A hairstyle briefly popular in the 1980s while under the threat of nuclear conflict, ‘Limahl’ enjoyed hits both as a group less memorable than its wild, bleached frozen-explosion style and as an interchangeable individual. Now seen at 80s weekenders at Butlins, where guests ask to stroke it.

Inflated poodle pelt which answers to ‘Joey Tempest’ 

Lead bouffant of soft-rockers Europe, this hairstyle captured imaginations and single-handedly created a hole in our planet’s ozone layer which will not be closed until 2050. Now a protected species only viewable by appointment in Skansen Zoo, Stockholm.

Green-and-black mottled skunk classified ‘Billie Eilish’

Enjoyed global success after its woke keeper decided to abandon black dye and allow the natural privileged Californian neon green to grow through. Widespread interest gave it hits with Bad Guy and other songs far more wispy and insubstantial than Bad Guy. Attempts to revamp the style with new colours have met with muted reaction.

Classic Southern mullet labelled ‘Billy Ray Cyrus’ 

This famous hairdo, a confused mix of flat-top with a shaggy perm stapled onto the back, brought huge success to its Kentucky cultivator. Hit song Achy Breaky Heart sold millions on the basis of the style alone, for there could be no other reason. Spawned the synchronised belt-buckle ballet known as ‘line dancing’.

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