subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man on the dole way ahead of AI

AN unemployed man is way ahead of warnings that AI will end traditional paid work, he feels.

Jobcentre Plus regular Joseph Turner is unfazed by the possibility of AI making humans obsolete because he has already got used to feeling useless and being bankrolled by the state

He said: “I thought AI was supposed to be really advanced and futuristic like that maid from The Jetsons, but actually all that’s happened is I haven’t had a job in years. Keep up, boffins.

“What’s next? Are they going to invent a robot that can lie in until midday and knows how to wring the most out of Jobseeker’s Allowance? I’ve already been there and done that too.

“It’s funny, I always thought I was a failure and a burden to society, but it turns out I was a pioneer all along, like those Silicon Valley types. Only without the millions to show for it.

“If anything I feel sorry for all those schmucks who studied really hard and worked overtime to carve out careers. Bit of a wasted effort, wasn’t it?”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “I don’t think AI will ever replace someone like Joe in the workplace. Mainly because it’ll show up on time and do a decent job.”

Five stupid Gen Z phrases and what the f**k they actually mean

DO you suspect young people are making up phrases to make you feel old and out of the loop? They probably are. But these are real, unlikely as it seems.

‘Having rizz’

How could you make the slang term ‘swag’ (meaning ‘confidence’) even stupider? By replacing it with ‘rizz’. Rizz is an abundance of confidence – you can have high levels of rizz and be a rizz-master, or be lacking in charm or charisma and be branded as ‘rizz-less’. It’s just a shame it sounds like ‘jizz’. No one want to be a jizz-master.

‘He’s got drip’

A subcategory of major rizz-ness, being full of drip is more about having style. Your annoying teen may well complain they need new expensive shoes because their current ones ‘lack drip’. Any flashy fashion item that adds drip will not be cheap and will probably look stupid to an adult. Feign ignorance and buy them a nerdy cagoule, saying ‘I thought you wanted something to keep drips off’.

They have an NPC vibe

Without a doubt the cruellest, and most metatextual, Gen Z put-down. NPC stands for Non-Player Character, the characters in video games that usually exist only to repeat one line of dialogue over and over again and remain stuck in their nightmarish existence of mundanity. An NPC is someone who is incapable of critical thought and blindly follow trends. You can’t help but think Gen Z needs a phrase for ‘Oh the irony’.

No cap

No Cap means ‘no lie’. Extensive research which you can guarantee no Gen Z child has done reveals that ‘cap’ is African-American slang for bragging, which you would think would qualify as cultural appropriation but it appears they only care about that when it comes to important things like Halloween costumes.

‘Giving off major BDE’

How to put this delicately? You see, when someone puts out BDE, that means they are a male who has a certain energy about them, specifically the energy of a big dick. This is not always a positive thing. It could be used to describe someone who thinks they are a bigger deal than they are, and is putting out ‘BDE’ to compensate for the fact they actually lead an ‘LDE’ kind of life. It’s unlikely you’ll incorporate BDE into your vocabulary, but you’ll certainly be referring to them all as dicks.

Next story ›