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Man eating lunch at desk to show off

A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed. 

Tom Booker, aged 38, has barely paused toiling to consume a packed lunch of sandwiches and crisps while all around him shiftless, lazy colleagues dally in the canteen and their employer foots the bill.

Booker said: “You need to go to a special place to order a special meal just to get through your day? What are you, French?

“I’m a non-stop guy who’s so busy and important he can’t leave his desk even for five minutes, or that’s how it looks. What nobody realises is it’s a highly calculated power play.

“One glimpse of me, crumbs spilling into my keyboard, and their downtime is ruined. They look like slackers. When I ask them to finish jobs for me they have no choice, pawns in my great game of lunchtime chess.

“Unbeknownst to them I’m making no progress whatsoever doing this. I’ve got one hand free which I use to click on emails while waving a sandwich around in the other. It’s pure psychological warfare.”

Co-worker Carolyn Ryan said: “Poor Tom, eating alone at his desk. He must have realised how much we hate him.”

'GB News platoon reporting for duty, sah'

THE bravest and doughtiest fighters of Britain are here to fight, sah! And with platoon GB News joining battle the war is as good as won.

Let me introduce you to the lads, which I call them even though some are women because we spit in the eye of political correctness. Spit in its eye then bayonet it in the neck.

This is Sergeant Major Rees-Mogg, sah. May look wiry, a weed, a man who’s never so much as hefted a rifle in his life, like a stiff breeze would lodge him upside down in a tree, but he assures me he’s a killah.

You’ll know Brigadier Farage already. Veteran of decades of European conflict. Ol’ Leatherface they call him in Brussels, where he was an MEP for 21 years. Disembowelling the enemy from the inside out, sah.

This unconventional-looking fellow? Captain Neil Oliver, special forces. The hair, the beard, the previous employment with the BBC? Means he slips past liberal defences to skewer them with bloody hard truths. They won’t stand a chance.

No, Private Darren Grimes didn’t lie about his age to enlist. Don’t let that baby face fool you. When he’s got wokery in his sights he’ll be consumed by bloodlust. Men still have nightmares about when he tore into an Extinction Rebellion member.

Lance Corporal Holmes here, Eamonn to his theoretical friends, is our quartermaster. Keeps the lads supplied with bitterness about This Morning, and believe me we’ll never run out. Are we going up against Schofield or Willoughby? He’ll murder ’em.

And finally this is Sergeant Nana Akua. She’s our black woman. We have to have one of those or we’d be racist. We did have a gay lad as well, Wootton, but he had to be dishonourably discharged for dishonourable discharges.

Anyway, that’s the squad and we’re ready to fight. No mental health days needed here. Who are we fighting? Guardian readers? Just Stop Oil? Russia? Russia with the army? With respect sah, bollocks to that. They have guns.

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