AFTER a tough year, being honest with your employees about their dismissal and subsequent destitution is a step too far. These corporate phrases should disguise it:
Unprecedented trading conditions
We’ve lost a lot of money, so you’ll have to be made redundant in order for my job and salary not to be affected in the slightest. I’m worth it because I have to do difficult things like tell you this unpleasant news and pretend I still have a soul.
Sustainable decision-making
Most of you are getting made redundant, but rest assured it’s only the ones we never really liked or who’ve done anything awkward in the last six months, like not turn on their cameras for Teams calls or take a break to feed their kids.
Rightsizing our headcount
Who could object to rightsizing? What, you’d prefer wrongsizing? Makes job cuts defensible, even though the right size will basically fit into a matchbox and, of course, the lucky ones who keep their jobs will each have to do the work of six people.
Rationalising the cost base
What was it Boris said we were all going to have to retrain as? If I were you, I would start looking into that.
We’re dehydrating this facility
What? Yeah you just heard that. We’re now so repellent and convoluted that you’d rather kneecap yourself than suffer any more of this vile corporate bullshit. Run far away and fling yourself upon the mercy of the bumpy winter the prime minister has promised: anything’s better than this.
