subscribe
/ Sign Out

Cunning boss praises staff to trick them into working harder

A DEVIOUS manager has heaped praise on his staff only because he knows it will motivate them to double their efforts.

Stephen Malley feels he has improved performance with a combination of positive feedback and cynical psychological manipulation of gullible fools.

Malley said: “My technique is brilliantly simple: telling them they’re doing a great job. They’re still shit, but they’re enthusiastic about being shit and do more of it, leading to a net productivity gain.

“Bill had been off ‘sick’ for three weeks when I emailed him saying he was employee of the month. He rocked up first thing on Monday wearing a tie. He managed to dangle it in his tea, but never mind. 

“I also mentioned to Emma that I’d noticed a marked improvement in her public speaking skills, and she immediately volunteered to do the next big sales presentation. It was still painful to watch, but it got done and she didn’t vomit on the floor this time. 

“And I told Nikki I could never have launched the brochure without her, even though that’s literally what I did. She now regularly stays at her desk until seven, the cretin.” 

Employee Nikki Hollis said: “Stephen is so inspiring. I lied to my boyfriend that he’s great in bed, and now we’re doing it loads. I didn’t have an orgasm five times last night!”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Toyah or the GoCompare man: Which celebrity is most likely to survive the Strictly bullying?

TOYAH is the latest addition to the Strictly line-up, but after the recent bullying revelations you’ve got to fear for her safety. Here are the chances of the contestants so far being picked on.

Toyah Willcox

At 5’1” Toyah could easily be a target for the Strictly bullies, who – in an entirely hypothetical scenario – might surround her and mock her with heightist slurs like ‘shortarse’ and ‘ewok girl’. However Toyah will be popular with 50-something blokes who dimly remember I Want to Be Free and It’s a Mystery. Would the BBC take the risk of alienating this massive demographic? Probably ‘yes’ if there’s someone else they used to fancy in the 80s, eg. Tegan from Doctor Who. 

Wynne Evans 

Opera singer Wynne may act as a useful decoy for other potential bullying victims. It’s unlikely there’s a single person in Britain who doesn’t violently hate the GoCompare man, so he could easily face bullying ranging from slaps and kicks to being dangled off the roof of Television Centre. This is unjust as Wynne is merely an actor playing a role, but life isn’t fair. Those adverts lasted f**king ages and someone has to pay.

GK Barry

Only rumoured to be joining the show, but GK Barry, AKA Grace Keeling, is a TikToker who does videos about minor incidents in her life such as finding the perfect crocs or getting stressed at a petrol station. With plugs for PrettyLittleThing clothing – quality content like this doesn’t come free. What are her chances of being bullied? Pretty high, if the bullies have seen any of her painfully dull TikToks that are just her relating tedious life admin like needing to pack for a flight.

JB Gill 

The singer from JLS is a good dancer and potential winner material – and this will definitely make him a target for bullies, like any swot. His best strategy is to deliberately cock up his paso dobles and Argentine tangos and exit the competition early. That and get his mum to pick him up in the car near the studio entrance, despite the fact that the former boyband member is now 37.

Dr Punam Krishan

A media doctor and the author of the children’s book You and Your Body: A First Look Inside the Human Body, which has flaps that open to peer inside people, so probably not one to give kids exhibiting nascent psychopathic tendencies. To be honest it’s hard to see how Punam would attract the ire of bullies, unless you have a weird hatred of BBC Morning Live, a show more likely to induce total indifference to everything, including being alive.

Chris McCausland

The first blind contestant on the show, but it won’t cut much ice with the uncaring Strictly bullies. However as a comedian he is ideally placed to be the person the bullies leave alone because he makes them laugh. Even so, he should bear in mind that bullies have little loyalty, so he’d better be well-stocked with mean comments about his fellow contestants or he’ll be getting his head rammed down a toilet.

Nick Knowles

Again, only a rumour, but the DIY SOS presenter is just the right tier of celebrity for Strictly. It’s possible Nick will be mercilessly bullied and go down the classic bullying victim path of psychologically snapping and grabbing the nearest weapons to hand – in his case a masonry hammer and a chisel. He would then set about his tormentors live on primetime TV while screaming ‘I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE!’ and sobbing. Which would make a nice change from the f**king dancing.

Next story ›