PUTIN’S threats to unleash Armageddon don’t scare me, because nuclear war is actually very easy to survive. Here I, Wayne Hayes, pub regular and twat, explain how.
Start with a positive mental attitude
Only wimps lie down and die when their town has been blasted to shit by a missile. Instead keep an optimistic outlook as the fallout settles over your house. I’ll maintain my bullish positivity by having my favourite meal every day – pizza – to keep up morale until the radiation sickness wears off. I’m assuming Domino’s will be open.
Build a bunker
Some rich American tech guys have got expensive state-of-the art bunkers hidden away in the desert, but it’s easy enough to make one in your back garden. I’ve already started digging mine. I’ve told the wife the hole is for a fish pond though, because when I floated the idea previously she told me to stop being a f**king idiot and locked the spade in the shed.
Stockpile food
When the missiles hit, the first thing everyone is going to do is run down to Lidl and start looting, so it’s best to get your food supply prepped now. My kids whined when I sold their trampoline to make way for a stack of tins covered in a tarpaulin, but they’ll be thanking me when their mates are forced to eat their own guinea pigs.
Set up a new society
Governance will obviously fall apart, so some strong guy will need to step in and start leading, and that guy will be me. Everyone will call me Big King Wayne and I’ll rule our cul-de-sac. I’m not worried if a gang of thugs turns up and tries to take my food and women. I’ve seen all the Mad Max films so I’ll just put spikes on my Fiat Punto.
Make the most of the long nuclear winter
Winter’s cosy, right? You spend it snuggled up inside wearing lots of jumpers and Christmas happens too. Nuclear winter will be pretty much the same, I reckon. Apart from when the neighbours try to break in and cannibalise us, or we slowly starve to death. The wife says that sounds better than her usual Christmas with me, so we’re onto a winner.
