ANYONE who says ‘We were just talking about you’ has definitely just been laughing about your failings as a human being.
Research by the Institute for Studies found 100% of chats among colleagues, acquaintances and even close friends focused on how shit you are.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Let’s put it this way – how many people do you know who say nice things about someone when they’re not there?
“Our study conclusively proved conversations in your absence mainly involve how you’re a bit up yourself, how you facially resemble Beaker from the Muppets and extensive pity for your sexual partner.”
Study participant Nikki Hollis disputed the findings, arguing that occasionally compliments were added to the character assassinations.
She said: “It’s not always bitching. I always qualify anything nasty I might say, for example, ‘Gemma is lovely, but fucking hell she’s boring’. I think that’s pretty good of me.”
Professor Brubaker added: “Criticising people behind their backs is juvenile and cowardly, so I would recommend telling friends they look like a big fat pig in those jeans to their face.”
