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Uppity bishops expressing views on how humans should treat each other

CHURCH of England bishops have been accused of meddling in how humans interact.

The bishops were attacked after publishing a letter setting out why they felt society was not very good and how it might be improved so that everything was slightly less unpleasant.

But Tory MP Denys Finch-Hatton said it was a betrayal of the bishops’ traditional role of trying to send messages to God via the sharp point at the top of their hats.

He added: “Bishops should sit in darkened rooms, chanting gibberish and rubbing their hands together.

“They should only be allowed out on Sundays so they can stand in a pulpit and say nice things about Princess Anne.”

Finch-Hatton has demanded an inquiry into how the Church of England became ‘infested’ with people who think Jesus sets a good example.

Norman Steele, the Bishop of Stevenage, said: “If Jesus was around today, I’m pretty sure he would have opinions about stuff.

“And I have degree in theology, so shut it.”

 

 

The Mash guide to claiming benefits

MORE and more people are now excluded from claiming benefits, so how exactly do you qualify? Read our guide:

— Applicants for housing benefit must attend a joint interview with their house. If your house does not attend its assessment interview on time, benefits will be sanctioned.

— Claimants with university degrees must attend a six-week course at the School of Hard Knocks. If injured, they will not be eligible for incapacity benefit.

— If your BMI is under 18.5 then you are too weak to work and will be sanctioned unless registered as of Exceptional Natural Beauty.

— Applicants who have failed to complete a minimum of two six-month internships with City financial institutions will be refused benefits, because they are obviously not trying.

— If you have a friend-with-benefits relationship you are not entitled to any other benefits, and any benefits received during the period must be repaid.

— Are you a heavy smoker who has never worked a day in your life with hordes of filthy children you expect the state to pay for? Then you are eligible for benefits of up to £10,000 a month if you commit to three national media appearances per week.

— Anyone with a criminal record, unpaid debts, impure thoughts or a moral character that prevent the claimant from stepping off the wheel of karma into nirvana is ineligible for benefits.

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