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Twat at front of queue deciding what to order

A TWAT who has reached the front of the queue after 25 minutes has finally started to decide what he wants.

Stephen Malley had plenty of time to choose what to order while waiting in line at his local coffee shop but actively passed up the opportunity.

Wayne Hayes, who is waiting behind Malley, said: “There’s only one barista who’s having to prepare complicated seasonal drinks, so he’s had an eternity to make his mind up.

“Does he honestly think this is how other people order? It looks like he’s going through each item individually and working out what to buy through some obscure process of elimination.

“If he asks to look at the allergen folder I might have to take matters into my own hands by sighing or live tweeting my frustration.”

Malley said: “I just enjoy taking in my surroundings while I’m queuing. There’s so much to process, what with the promotional displays and the selection of appetising treats in the pastry cabinet.”

What politicians would say if they could swear on telly

POLITICIANS love a good back and forth but sadly, a lot like a soap opera, they can’t swear at each other. But what would it sound like if they could?

Johnson and Corbyn, head-to-head in a TV debate
Johnson: This Marxist twat-heap should stick to his allotment where his mum probably gives handjobs for racing tips.

Corbyn: Go f*ck yourself you stupid, posh nonce. And you mention my allotment again and I’ll kick your f*cking balls into orbit.

Jo Swinson, on Question Time, asked why people should trust the Lib Dems after their collation with the Tories
“Why do you motherf*ckers keep bringing up that sh*t? It’s not like we’d do it again. Or we wouldn’t admit to it on camera anyway, you gormless gobsh*te. Asking me some sh*t like that and expecting an honest answer? Jesus tap dancing Christ.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg, on The One Show, asked how Brexit is going
“It’s an absolute f*ck-storm that’s been royally arsed from start to finish and no one has a f*cking jar of glue what the f*ck is actually going on. Properly f*cked. F*cked to f*ckity f*ckalicious f*ck. Now sh*t off.”

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