BRITAIN’S favourite TV chefs are trying to kill you.
Research revealed that recipes by household names such as Jamie Oliver, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Lorraine Pascale contain higher levels of poison than supermarket ready meals.
According to scientists the chefs are gradually dosing millions of Britons with small amounts of arsenic and polonium and expect to reach critical mass sometime next year.
Martin Bishop, a Nigel Slater fan from Stevenage, said: “Took me ages to find polonium for the Italian roast lamb recipe. At first I thought he meant polenta so I emailed him via the website and he got back straight away, saying ‘I meant polonium – get some immediately’. He was very businesslike about it.”
Bill McKay, professor of food conspiracy at Roehampton University, said: “It seems they want to kill as many people as possible and then buy up all the houses and land.
“The country will then be divided into about a dozen independent states, each owned and run by a TV chef.
“They will keep just enough people alive to work in the fields and do all the boring prep-work in the kitchens.”
McKay said Fearnley-Whittingstall had made the most progress with his River Cottage empire and his vast tracts of Dorset.
He added: “If the camera panned back any further on River Cottage you would see the barracks.”
A spokesman for the British Supermarkets Association said the research was a ‘damning indictment of TV chefery’, adding: “We’re only trying to kill poor people so we can all have nice, middle class customers like Waitrose.”
