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The Welsh town where every man, woman and child is on Viagra

DEEP in the Welsh valleys, far beyond civilisation’s call, is an unusual town. A town where the erections never droop. For here every man, woman and child is on Viagra.

Devastated by closed coalmines, Croesyceiliog, the subject of a BBC documentary tonight, agreed to take part in a trial to discover what would happen if an entire community was permanently sexually engorged. An experiment still going on today.

Norman Steele, aged 75, said: “I get up, I knock back a blue diamond with a cup of tea and then I set off and go about my priapic day.

“Of course I’m nursing a throbbing erection as I pop into the library to read the papers, but who isn’t? We all are. Sometimes, on the way to the bookies, I’ll stop and howl and toss myself off in the middle of the street. But in this town everyone’s been there.”

Postmistress Susan Traherne agreed: “When a customer asks for a book of second-class stamps and if he can just quickly mount me, it’s hardly unusual. And what with the bloodflow to my parts I’m as up for it as they are.

“The kiddies, bless them, don’t suffer those effects. All they do is smash their Lego up a lot. But the rest of us, well, it’s stonk-ons and casual sex dawn until dusk.”

Mayor Bill McKay said: “They wanted to end the trial in 2009, but we were up in arms about it. It’s given us a real community spirit. There’s not an adult here I’ve not gone off up at one time or another.

“It may seem unusual to outsiders, but to us here in Croesy having a cock that could break china is normal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and f**k a knothole in a tree.”

The six times a day to spray yourself with Lynx: A teenage boy explains

NOT sure when you should be putting on deodorant? More often than you are now, says teenage Lynx addict Wayne Hayes.

In the morning, in lieu of a shower 

As everyone knows, Lynx is a perfectly good substitute for actually washing your body. Who can be arsed with that? Every day? Just do the old diagonal cross, or a scrubbing motion with the can to recreate the full shower experience. Also a woman might unexpectedly want to have sex with you, so don’t forget an extra-big squirt down your boxers.

In the morning, post-shower 

A shower AND Lynx is a bit fancy, so keep it for special occasions like exams or your cousin’s wedding. There’s usually no need for this belt-and-braces approach – it’s kind of like the male equivalent of a face mask or body butter. But if you want to treat yourself, go ahead. 

In the PE changing room 

We aren’t talking a light spritz here. In a room full of sweaty, hormone-addled boys with questionable personal hygiene you want that can of Lynx to go off like a smoke grenade. With up to 20 adolescents all spraying it around there’s a real danger of a couple of them suffocating. Still, it’s how they’d want to go – in a cloud of unidentifiable chemical vapour. 

Before seeing your bird 

We’ve all seen the adverts. Your bird will be bewitched by the enchanting scent of Lynx Africa, or Dark Temptation if you’re feeling adventurous. Be careful though, that stuff is powerful. One time 20 women who looked like swimsuit models chased me down the street and I had to have sex with all of them. That did happen.

When you notice you’ve been wearing that t-shirt for a week 

Never underestimate a can of Lynx’s versatility. If you find yourself wearing the same t-shirt you put on several days ago because it’s always at the top of your clothes pile, or maybe the most eye-catching item on your bedroom floor, a light misting with an aerosol will make it just as clean and fresh as if your mum washed it. 

Before bed 

A quick spray before bed is a handy way of protecting yourself against the smell of stale bodily fluids that may somehow have become encrusted on your duvet. It’s also worth being prepared in case you have that dream again where you’re about to have sex with a girl but you f**k it up because you’re worried you smell like shit. F**k knows where your brain got that idea from.

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