BEEN casually eavesdropping but aren’t sure whether you should involve yourself in the discussion? Here’s a helpful guide to needlessly sticking your oar in:
An issue at the counter
If you find yourself next in line when, for example, there is a problem with the card machine, start with some light tutting before vocalising your annoyance. Mention to the obviously panicking teenage cashier that there was nothing wrong with paper money in a way that suggests online banking is entirely their fault. When it’s your turn to be served, pay for a 90p chocolate bar with a £20 note.
A political debate
You’re in the pub with friends having a mild disagreement about union strikes. Get involved by calling strikers ‘workshy deviants’ and then hold forth on every subject from immigration to Scottish ferry provision with all the authority of an elder sage. If they don’t look bored to tears, get some more pints in and secure your captives for the night.
A parent disciplining their child
In the condiments aisle at a supermarket when you hear someone struggling to control their children? Walk over and offer some unsolicited parenting advice, which will both mortify them and make them absolutely furious, while doing nothing to help them stop their child from consuming a whole jar of Dijon mustard. Blame iPads and end with a look of evident mistrust and disapproval.
A public argument
If you walk past a couple who are clearly having a tiff – perhaps she is sobbing and he is holding his head in his hands – stop and attempt to mediate. After you’ve advised her she can do better and him he couldn’t do much worse, you will at least have achieved uniting them again around their instant shared hatred of you.
An inside joke
When you overhear two people laughing, your first instinct should be to get absolutely furious and demand to be told what the joke is. If they try to dismiss it as nothing, stand there glaring until they are forced to explain an unfunny reference from 15 years ago in painstaking detail. Tell them it isn’t in the least amusing and go about your day.
A physical fight
What could possibly go wrong when you approach two strangers who are already drunk and angry enough to punch someone, and tell them that they look silly? Clearly their main concern is how sensible a spectator would find their choice to beat each other up so this will be very helpful information. Just get ready to duck.
