THE Home Counties are the most important counties in Britain according to their arsehole residents. But which comes closest to being barely tolerable, and which is the absolute worst?
Berkshire
An absolute shithole for sure, but Reading and Slough make it the kind of shithole Midlands residents will be comfortably familiar with. Plus Windsor and Eton have the good sense to keep their twat toffs locked safely inside.
Sussex
Dropped a couple of places after the Great Lockdown Bellend Migration of 2020-22 receded with the WFH revolution, but still a haven for monied pricks. Still, has lovely landscape and an extensive coast where you can briefly hope to escape the braying.
Essex
Home to a very different kind of knobhead; the kind that’s retired from a successful career of cocaine wholesaling but still requires only the slightest provocation to leave the pub and return with a baseball bat. Alongside the usual commuter scum.
Buckinghamshire
Sounds posher than it is because it shares a name with the palace the King would never sink so low as to actually live in. So quintessentially English Midsomer Murders is filmed there, though sadly it doesn’t enjoy the same death rate.
Hertfordshire
Borders on the Midlands, quite frankly: flat, boring, deserted after 7.20am every weekday as its population of parasites heads to London for jobs they despise but are far better than anything one could get anywhere even slightly further north. Claims to have invented the wasp.
Kent
The Garden of England, if you like your garden with 45,000 HGVs thundering through it every day. Shite coastline, mainly cliffs. So Tory it still hasn’t accepted Thatcher’s gone, and so up itself its residents live in thatched new-builds. You’ve never met anyone from Kent you didn’t loathe on sight.
Surrey
The worst of the worst. Contains nothing: not a town you’ve heard of, not a cathedral you could find sanctuary in, not even a hole to hide in. From border to border packed with the worst escaped-from-London dickheads who check their house price every hour and change their Labradoodle and Range Rover annually. You’ll never go there. Good.
