FURIOUS about how ‘ungrateful’ you think Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe is? Send your opinions to these relevant places.
The bin
The nation’s bins are home to apple cores, Big Mac containers and other pieces of disgusting detritus, meaning your unwarranted opinions about Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe should fit right in. If a litter bin isn’t to hand then pop your gammon brain ramblings into a dogshit bin. It works just as well if not better.
Back around your brain
The part of your brain which deals with empathy must have let this horrible opinion slip through by mistake, so send it back around for a second try. Is it still getting the green light? If so, go and see a psychiatrist who will declare you criminally insane. You will spend the rest of your life being wheeled around on a gurney like Hannibal Lecter, which at least will keep you off Twitter.
The sea
Vast, deep, and already home to f**ked-up shit like anglerfish, the sea is the perfect place to dispose of your thoughts on why a woman needlessly detained for six years should show the government the faintest flicker of gratitude. Your opinions will be at home among other waste like sewage and old uranium rods, and why not walk into the sea while you’re at it?
A tyre fire
As well as being a great day out for the family, tyre fires do an incredible job of incinerating things. Simply rock up with your warped worldview, tip the owner a tenner, and they should let you chuck it on the inferno. Stand nice and close to the blaze on the off chance that the noxious fumes will fix your thought processes.
Up your arse
Not metaphorically either. Grab a pen and paper, write down in detail all your idiotic opinions about an imprisoned charity worker, then roll them up tightly and shove them into your anus where they belong. Even Boris Johnson disagrees, so you must be bloody wrong.
