YOUR skin prickles. The hair on your neck stands up. A middle-class child is approaching, armed and dangerous. But which of its deadly weapons will it choose?
Scooters
Every child of means has at least three and often as many as seven, all ready to swing jarringly into your shinbone however carefully you try to pass.
Baked goods
Delilah is charging £2 each for her fairy cakes. She made them herself, with her filthy, unwashed hands, and if you do not eat one she will cry and her mother will glare.
Double-barrelled names
Both forenames and surnames. Your lack of familiarity with either will be judged, and mistaking a second forename for a surname punished with public humiliation.
Sporting equipment
Each larger, more expensive and more likely to accidentally crack you on the back of the head than the last. Though even a table tennis paddle can hurt, when placed correctly.
Musical instruments
See above, with the option of an oboe solo.
Germs
Leo is unable to cover his precious mouth when he coughs because he has asthma. If you chide him, you are ableist.
Familiarity with an Ottoleghi menu
It’s not natural for a nursery age child to have an appreciation for harissa. It will kill something vital deep inside you.
A innate lack of parental discipline
They’re ‘gentle parenting’, which means you’re the one apologising when young Pippa pulls your dog’s tail and it snaps. You find yourself promising to have her put down.
Private school uniform
Due to an archaic tradition, that boater contains live ammunition.
Ability to tolerate natural snacks
You merely learned to tolerate chia seeds in your porridge. Jemima was raised on them.
Overbred small pet
Verging on an exotic animal, but not quite because mummy knows someone in that government department.
Overbred puppy
Bought when the above small pet disappears in mysterious circumstances that go unaddressed on the family Instagram.
Support of artistic ambitions
Hugo will never need think seriously about his career prospects, just as you will never be ready for the performance of his autobiographical poetry.
Volume/pitch
While it may be a myth that opera singers can shatter wine glasses with their voices alone, it is not the case for the beret-clad school excursion you crossed paths with at the V&A.
Emotional literacy
If you disagree with six-year-old Gabriella, you’ll be called a gaslighter before you can say ‘Montessori’.
Tailored clothing
You thought the outfit you chose for your friend’s wedding was nice. Next to the flower girl’s hand-tailored couture dress it is a mere rag even while she soils herself.
Self-confidence
At the end of the day, no matter what they’re armed with, you know your worth. Which is nothing compared to a child raised on Deliciously Ella. Surrender and hope you are allowed to live.
