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Tenants cleaning flat like they're going to get their deposit back

TENANTS are scrubbing a flat from top to bottom before they move out as if it will actually get them their deposit back.

Lauren Hewitt and her housemates have cleaned the oven three times, hired an industrial vacuum cleaner to do the already spotless carpets and scrubbed the bathroom until their fingers bled.

Hewitt said: “We’ve filled in screw holes, washed windows and repainted walls. It could not be cleaner unless we took it apart brick by brick and polished each one with a toothbrush. We’ll definitely get the money back.”

Letting agent Jordan Gardner said: “Whether they leave a tiny Blu Tack mark on the wall or a big shit in the oven, it’ll cost them their deposit either way. We always keep the money. It’s just how it is.

“The only way to get a deposit back would be to rent a property and never live in it, but still send a cleaner in every week to give it a once over. And even then we’d take two hundred quid because someone breathed in there.

“Yeah, we’re twats. But we’re the twats with the houses, so you’re all screwed.”

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, and other ways to justify daytime drinking

KEEN to explain away your daytime drinking with a piss-poor excuse? Try one of these:

You can sober up before bed

If you get drunk during the day, you can sober up in the evening and not be hungover tomorrow, right? Sounds good but it never works like that. In reality, you’ll still be going by midnight, swigging from a glass of neat vermouth because there’s nothing else left in the house.

They do it on Mad Men

The cultural legacy of one of the best television programmes of the last 20 years is that everyone wishes it was still okay to get pissed at lunch. Just because Don Draper was able to drink four martinis in an hour and still perform brilliantly at work, it doesn’t mean you can. It’s fiction, remember.

It’s the weekend

You’ve been working all week, so it’s time to kick back and relax, yes? Well, no, actually, as you have to spend your two precious days off doing essential things like buying food and washing your clothes, which will be difficult if you’ve already had a four-pack of craft ale by midday.

It’s sunny

Oh look, there’s a tiny sliver of sunshine: ample reason to shirk your obligations and head to the garden to neck cans of continental lager. At least you’ll have plenty of time to think of a good excuse to tell your partner for how you ended up drunk and sunburned instead of taking the car for its MOT.

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere

People who have ‘Live, laugh, love’ pictures in their living room invariably also have a novelty piece of slate in their kitchen with this phrase chalked on it. While it is a factual statement, it’s also 10am somewhere too. Specifically the time zone you live in, so put the wine down.

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