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Smug twat thinks he doesn't need to hold on to tram pole

A SELF-SATISFIED man has displayed his superiority to other tram passengers by standing without holding the pole, it has emerged.

Cocksure knobhead Ryan Whittaker has drawn derision from fellow tram users by riding the Manchester Metrolink through a particularly winding route with his hands either in his pockets or preoccupied with his phone.

Onlooker Donna Sheridan said: “There’s always one. It’s not like there aren’t any seats free either. I offered him the one next to me and all he did was sneer. The dickhead.

“Does he really think he’s hot shit? His wobbly little dance as he tries to maintain his balance is impressing nobody. He’d look more cool and mysterious if he sat still and thoughtfully gazed out of the window.

“He must do this all the time too because this is a bumpy route and he hasn’t faltered yet. There’s probably a Facebook group about him where people can write about how much they hate him. And if there isn’t I’m setting one up when I get in.

“I was supposed to get off five minutes ago but I’m transfixed by how much I loathe him. Also I’m hoping someone pulls the emergency cord and he goes flying. That would be f**king hilarious.”

'It's coming home but no probs if not!' chant women

WOMEN excited about today’s match against Colombia have started singing a boisterous yet modest football chant, it has emerged.

Lionesses supporters are gearing up for this morning’s quarter-final game by belting out a sensible version of the football chant inspired by Three Lions by the Lightning Seeds and bloody Baddiel.

England fan Lucy Parry said: “Only three teams stand between England bringing the Women’s World Cup trophy back to the home of football. That’s why we’ve erupted into a cautious singalong which is taking care not to get too loud in case it disturbs anybody. 

“The Lionesses need our female solidarity right now. Not that we can take any credit if they win, of course. That would be silly and an overestimation of our importance. Come on girls, you can do it! No pressure if you don’t though, obviously!”

Fellow supporter Nikki Hollis said: “Women can only dream of cheering on a football team with the same undue arrogance as blokes. Equality has come a long way but we’re still decades off from feeling entitled enough to stick flares up our arses.

“Even if we win we won’t go out and trash the streets in drunken euphoria. We’ll hastily sip down our elderflower pressés, or single G&Ts if we’re not driving, then quietly file out of the pub so the men can put whatever they want on the TV.

“It’s only fair.”

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