Six worrying signs you might be a lower middle class twat

WORRIED you might be a lower middle class arsehole without the education of the proper middle class or the life experience of the working class? Read our checklist and find out.

You read a shit newspaper

The Mail is non-stop hate, and the Express is more detached from reality than an acid trip in a Hieronymus Bosch painting. But that’s where you get your facts from. Even the increasingly moronic Times is ‘too intellectual’, and you’re convinced the Guardian is loony left propaganda, not drippy centrism and endless gushing articles about crap Netflix shows.

Your home is tastefully tasteless

Your interior design aesthetic is ‘unadventurous conformity’. So your house is basically B&Q without the tills. It’s obviously very tidy, because what your friends and neighbours think is more important than creating your own living space. Books are just clutter, not that you read them anyway because they’re made-up.

You are incredibly reactionary

It doesn’t matter if it’s sushi or nationalising utilities, anything unfamiliar must be rejected out of hand. Annoyingly, you think you’re really nailing public opinion by coming out with fatuous crap like: ’I don’t understand these transgenders. Just don’t understand them. Are they men or women?’ Oh just f**k off.

Only you work hard at your job

Only you, in your office-based sales job, do any work. Doctors, electricians, the Royal Navy – they somehow get paid for doing nothing. Why you don’t change job is unclear. Maybe it’s something to do with enjoying being a whinging f**king martyr? You also conveniently forget that you screw every possible benefit out of your job by constantly knocking off early, putting in 65p expense claims for a Twix, and taking the piss with sick days, ie. sitting in your garden.

You vote Tory

Only the Tories can be trusted with the economy, bafflingly. Tax rises are terrible, even if they make no difference one way or the other to you. And anything is better than socialism. Naturally you have no idea what ‘socialism’ means, it’s just a bad thing like cancer, paedophiles or cycle lanes.

You have a chip on your shoulder about ‘clever people’

Nothing warms the cockles of your heart more than a clever person being wrong or earning less than you. It’s a pretty weird response to not going to university, which is hardly non-stop intellectual debate or a Brideshead-style coke party anyway. Unfortunately, due to not being very clever you think that anti-clever comments like ‘Clever people have got no common sense’ are genuine insights and not just total bollocks.

The top 10 songs for dumped teenagers who'll never be happy again

BEING dumped is particularly harsh when you’re a self-centred teenager, because no one has ever experienced emotional pain like yours. See if these songs help you through this difficult time.

Atmosphere, Joy Division

The bleak, minimalist sound is perfect for dumpees, as are the lyrics, eg. ‘People like you find it easy… walking on air.’ So true. You saw Kelly Jeffries and she was laughing and drinking cider with her mates in the park as if she hadn’t ruined your life forever. Cow.

Adam’s Song, Blink-182

Surprisingly listenable suicide tune. ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m gone,’ say the lyrics. If you’ve spent any time with a mopey teenager, this is a big assumption. Luckily the narrator gets through his bad patch and ‘can’t wait… to pass the time in my room alone’. Yep, as a teenager that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.

Just Like Heaven, The Cure

First it’s about the ecstasy of love, then it all goes wrong as ‘a raging sea… stole the only girl I love and drowned her deep inside of me’. Poetical imagery like that could have been written for lovelorn, introspective teens like you, who are really deep and sensitive, actually.

Someone Like You, Adele

A song for those whose ex has moved on while they haven’t. Admittedly Adele’s ex has got married in the song, and your ex snogged Gemma Crowley at Lee Smith’s party before throwing up behind the sofa, but otherwise it’s exactly the same.

American Woman, Lenny Kravitz

If you’re a teenager in Knutsford it’s unlikely you’ve been snogging an American woman, much less Heather Graham. But you can learn from this song’s robust attitude to relationships. ‘Don’t come hangin’ around my door, I don’t want to see your face no more’ sings Lenny. And thanks to your band you’ll soon be like him. Once you find a singer. And write some actual songs. And Gav learns the bass instead of playing random notes.

Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O’Connor

Older people know that most partners can be replaced or improved upon, so really it should be ‘Quite A Lot Of Other People Compare 2 U’. However as a teenager you firmly believed some tracksuited dick called Jaxon was your true love forever. Actually you dodged a bullet there, hun.

Everybody Hurts, REM

No self-respecting teenager should be listening to this tune for really old people, but suddenly it speaks to you. It does hurt. It’s like a million red-hot daggers piercing your heart. You might put that in a poem.

With Or Without You, U2

Believe it or not, teenagers once listened to U2. This gets straight to the melodramatic point: ‘I can’t live, with or without you.’ It’s best not to take this too literally and see if you feel better after, say, buying a new Playstation game.

Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

A thoughtful song about a man who is not as perfect as he at first seems. So a relatable yet cautionary tune for teenage girls exploring new romantic feelings. Teenage boys meanwhile can cheer themselves up with a wank over sexy pixie Natalie, and Ms Imbruglia must have made a f**king fortune from this massive hit. Everyone’s a winner, really.

Puff the Magic Dragon, Peter, Paul & Mary

This childhood classic isn’t exactly about doomed romance, but in your emotionally fragile state even the bits about string and sealing wax will have you blubbing like Gwyneth Paltrow. This will give you a massive dose of emotional catharsis and get the heartbreak out of your system. This probably applies to recently-dumped 20, 30 and 40-somethings too.