NICE people are pleasant enough, but their agreeable nature can also make them pissing annoying. That makes it totally okay to hate ones like these.
The overly chirpy
Far from lighting up every room they waft into, overly chirpy people reek of naivety and bring out your most cynical impulses. Counter a cheery platitude about the weather with a reminder that death comes to us all. Imagine their birthday party where no one turned up and they weepily ate cake alone. This didn’t happen because all their chirpy mates would have been there, full of boundless excitement, but it’s good for your own peace of mind.
Do-gooders
Helping the elderly across the road and picking up litter is all well and good. In fact society would be better off if everyone was like this. But you can’t help but notice a tiny glint of self-satisfaction in their eye as they go about their virtuous deeds. Sorry, do-gooders, this cancels out all your admirable behaviour.
Philanthropists
Generously giving money to those in need is an admirable thing to do. However it’s somewhat less impressive if the benefactor is f**king loaded and could totally splash out a lot more. You’d happily have a hospital wing named after you if you had a couple of million to spare, or at least that’s what you tell yourself as you decline to make a charitable donation of 20p at the Asda checkout.
Bake sale kids
People younger than you have no business doing anything worthy. They should be making stupid TikTok dances and reinforcing your prejudices. It’s not like anyone will call them out if their cakes or biscuits are shit anyway. Instead you have to fork out money, shovel down whatever charred goods they’re selling, then congratulate them. Talk about getting a free pass.
Wellness practitioners
Though the fitness instructors of the world may seem to have your best interests at heart, the level of giddy enthusiasm on which they operate is completely unacceptable. Every yoga session is an endurance test of how many times you can be told to ‘hold space for yourself’, inevitably ending in your decision to never return and live with your back pain forever.
Charity shop volunteers
These bastards know they automatically have the moral high ground, and they use this to provide the worst customer service imaginable. You can’t get mad at them though as they sullenly ring up your order. Imagine the optics. You, a dour-faced bastard, letting rip at a sweet old lady giving up her time for free. Keep the hate to yourself then let it out on safe targets like carol singers.
