Robin f**king hates Christmas

A ROBIN has described its intense dislike of everything associated with Christmas.

Red-breasted bird Wayne Hayes described the festive season as ‘weapons-grade toss’.

Hayes said: “I don’t like Christmas at all. The way they start trotting out all the adverts in September f*cking does my head in.

“But the time it finally comes around I’m properly sick of it.”

He added: “I hate holly. A friend of mine lost his eye on some holly. It’s just a load of sharp leaves.

“What do I like? Worms, successfully defending my territory and sexual intercourse.”

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Ask Holly: Are colouring books suitable for grown men?

Dear Holly,

I bought myself one of those mindfulness colouring books for adults. So far, so good: I completed a really intricate rainbow mandala pattern the other day and subsequently decided I wouldn’t cut tax credits after all. Am I a pathetic, whimsical man-child?

Gideon

London

Dear Gideon,

Colouring in is NOT suitable for adults, and certainly not adults of a fragile state of mind. It might seem all very nice and breezy just now, but have you thought about the potential catastrophe that will ensue if you accidentally colour outside the lines and ruin the whole picture? What happens when your favourite pink pen runs dry, or some ham-fisted idiot blunts the green? If you’re keen on achieving mindfulness, best stick to making Play-Doh sausages or doing a four-piece jigsaw and leave the heavy stuff to us kids.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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