subscribe
/ Sign Out

One In Five Descended From Bastard Children Of Scullery Maids

MILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.

According to new research, your potato scrubbing female ancestors were dishonoured by the dashing but amoral sons of the gentry who had nothing better to do at the time.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Basically your great-great-great nan was dragged into a stable and ravished, or traded her virtue for a boiled sweet.

"Or, being a bit simple, she was beguiled by promises she would become the 14th Lady Spatchcock despite being illiterate, slightly bow-legged and down to her last four teeth.

"After getting up the spout she would have been cast out of her job and her broom cupboard before giving birth in a hedgerow and throwing herself down a well."

He added: "Either way, you can be proud of your authentically blue-blooded ancestry, which will impress Americans, especially if you leave out the bit about the boiled sweet."

A spokesman for the National Trust said: "We hope this news will encourage people to visit Britain's stately homes, where your great-great-great grandmother could have lived in splendour if your great-great-great grandfather hadn't been a grade A piece of shit.

"And you can also have a nice cream tea and buy a book you didn't really want."

 

Balls Condemns Expert For Knowing Stuff

ED Balls has condemned children's commissioner Dr Maggie Atkinson for using her years of professional experience in forming an opinion.

The schools secretary has called for an inquiry into how a qualified person with qualifications qualifying them to do their job could qualify their statements on matters they are qualified to comment on.

Balls said: "Responsible governance is not about taking the advice of proper experts, it's about Jamie Oliver making a nice salad or asking that large television nanny to dictate childcare policy even though she does seem to limit herself to houses with steps."

Julian Cook, professor of public policy at Reading University, said: "The public is often caught between highly trained experts who have studied a subject in depth and actually know what they are talking about and the bastard, son of a bitch whores we call politicians who spend their entire lives with the throbbing penis of the editor of the Daily Mail lodged firmly inside their filthy, lying mouths.

"It's difficult to know who to trust."

Meanwhile Dr Atkinson's statement – that children are qualitatively different from adults and should perhaps be treated as such – was condemned by members of the public who did not understand most of the words in it.

Nikki Hollis, a female thing from Carlisle, said: "This woman is basically saying that all children under 12 who are possessed by the devil should be given a loaded machine gun.

"If I see her round here I'll set my evil dog on her."

 

Next story ›