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Narcissistic Britons worried they might not be on police photo database

MILLIONS of self-absorbed UK residents are concerned that their photos may not be included in a police database.

Instagram addict Nikki Hollis said: “Apparently up to 18 million mugshots, including those of innocent people, have been stored by police. If I’m not in there somewhere I would be pretty pissed off because I am an interesting and original person.

“I am hot, at least an eight out of ten, and go to a lot of cool venues as anyone using social media should know.

“However I would feel angry and violated if the police had any pictures of me from before 2013, because I was half a stone heavier then and had not mastered the makeup techniques to really bring out my cheekbones.”

A police spokesman said: “We can assure the public that any photographic data is being stored purely for security or masturbatory purposes.”

Londoners hoping for enough snow to build homes

LONDON renters are hoping for enough snowfall to fashion their own crude igloo-style dwellings.

31-year-old teacher Emma Bradford said: “I’ve been renting an expensive shithole after being priced out of the property market. Snow is my only chance of owning a home, even if it melts before I get a chance to put any pictures up.

“This morning I scraped together enough to build the bottom inch of a crude dome structure on the pavement, but then someone destroyed it with a baby buggy.”

However, the current flurry of snow which has fallen on London is already the property of millionaire foreign investors. Russian oligarchs and Asian venture capitalists bought the snow as it was still crystallising from atmospheric moisture.

Their representative, buy-to-let agent Tom Logan, said: “We are excited to unveil Arctic Heights, an exclusive development of 382 contemporary snow dwellings in the middle of East London.

“Our igloos offer boutique, easily commutable eskimo living in Zone 5. Starting at £1k per week, deluxe ‘Snowdude’ models even have a window made from an old car windscreen.”

The snow owners also plan to levy a £5 per day charge on Londoners who are walking on their flakes.

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