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Man still unsure why he spent whole of school best mates with a twat

THIRTY years on, a man is wondering why he spent five years of secondary school best mates with a chronic knobhead.

Joe Turner and Steve Malley were inseparable during their years at Churchfields Secondary in Swindon, even though Malley was a bellend throughout.

Turner said: “He was gangly, not particularly bright, shouted catchphrases from Bo! Selecta and deliberately jumped in puddles for a laugh. I spent every day with him for five years.

“Why? He didn’t even have a hot sister or a decent games console. He was f**king annoying to sit with, got me in shit with the teachers, his lunch stank and he wanged on about golf all the time.

“Once he shouted ‘Bellend parade!’ at older kids on bikes and they gave us a proper kicking when I hadn’t even done anything. When Manesha pushed him off stage at the school disco I laughed.

“And when I got into girls he was even worse. The number of potential snogs I lost because of that wankshaft. I didn’t get invited to parties for fear Malley would come. Nonetheless, I hung out with him every single day.”

Turner added: “Then we went to sixth form and I dropped him immediately and haven’t seen him since.”

Meals without the telly on: the signs you're lower middle class

TREADING the line between upper and lower middle class is a delicate act. Here are the things that will place you firmly at the bottom.

You eat meals without the telly on

Your family is interesting and cultured enough to make conversation instead of watching TV. On week nights, at least. A couple, anyway. Unless there’s something really good on. And of course it’s different when you’re having a takeaway.

You’ll get extra sides without looking at the price, if it’s a chain

Forget worrying about the bill, dining out should be a thrilling culinary experience, unconstrained by something as pedestrian as a budget. However, it’s understood that the following caveats are in place: it’s a chain with a deal on, they accept vouchers and no main meal is more than £15. Bon ap’, as you always irritatingly say.

You proclaim how great theatre is, but don’t go

ITV is the codename for trash in your house. Who would demean themselves by watching The Masked Singer when the bold and truly relevant stuff is on the stage? Although you’ve heard this all secondhand, as the last thing you saw live was the Dirty Dancing tour in 2018.

You buy clothes from charity shops, but not because you have to

There’s nothing like the thrill of bagging a hardly worn Monsoon dress for a fraction of its recommended retail price. Not because you’re strapped for cash, you just enjoy bragging about sustainability and slow fashion. You’re picky about which charities you support though: cancer and animals is fine, but you won’t stoop to the local refugee one. They never get the good stuff.

You desperately try to prove to everyone you’re working class

Honestly, you’re not posh. Yes, your parents went to university, but they pulled themselves up by the bootstraps after a hardscrabble upbringing in a suburb of Manchester. That’s in the North, you know, where the working classes live. Anyway, did you realise that Ocado actually works out cheaper?

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