A FASHIONABLE hairdo is essential when looking for love. But be careful you’re keeping up with the times, as these outmoded styles will only lead to wanking alone now.
The flat-top
When fitness and military camouflage gear was fashionable, a short flat-top haircut was considered compulsory. And the jarhead style, standing to attention with a fistful of gel, was pretty rugged during the fiercest of nights out. However since then our pointless forever wars have made everyone realise it’s not that sexy hassling Afghan civilians and being blown up, so the grunt look has been stood down.
The Princess Di
The immaculately coiffured, side-parted, swept-back and highlighted classic Princess Di cut kept many a hairdresser busy in the 80s, and it was worth the effort because every man wanted a princess of their own, and no woman was going to get Leia’s side buns. However if worn now, it’d be more likely to provoke accusations of disrespect followed by mass sobbing.
Curtains
In its pure form, a curtains hairstyle was a centre parting with shaved back and sides. It’s possible lanky curtains caused your head to resemble a bellend, which sent out a subliminal sexual message to women of the time. However ‘drugged-up scally’ isn’t the most irresistible look, so during its peak in the Madchester ‘movement’ of the 90s, wearers probably didn’t get laid but were too off their heads to care about it, or looking like a lampshade.
Backcombed bouffant
If dipping your head into a candyfloss machine sounds like an odd form of grooming for a night out, you clearly weren’t there in the 80s. Women would arduously thresh away, backcombing their hair for hours, then thickly lacquer it with a full can of ozone-f**king hairspray until the finished sculpture resembled a halo of highly flammable Shredded Wheat. You could forget romantically running your fingers through someone’s hair; it was like a Chinese finger trap and you feared you might lose a digit.
Long hair (men)
In the heady days of the early 90s, having long straight hair and wearing it down was a sign of virility, especially if it had been washed and conditioned. Scottish balladeers Wet Wet Wet led the way, alongside actors like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. The fashion soon wore thin, as the upkeep became too much hard f**king work and the bothersome mane ended up being permanently tied back in a pony tail which was inevitably lopped off on the next stag do.
The Rachel
In her role as Rachel Green, Friends actress Jennifer Aniston sported a shoulder-length, layered style that got anyone copying it a remarkable amount of attention. The wearer had to endure being called Rachel by everyone, but it was worth it. Even if you ditched this hairstyle 25 years ago, everyone will still think of you as Rachel, but the less cute version who hasn’t done anything of note for two decades.
The mullet
The big swinging dick of male hairstyles. Anyone sporting a mullet had the inner confidence of a ‘bad boy’ who didn’t give a f**k how they looked, which is an aphrodisiac for stupid women. Although trying to make a comeback, the mullet will never recreate the raw magnetism of its peak, especially as it makes you look like a gun nut MAGA dick who eviscerates deer on his kitchen table.
