RESEARCH has confirmed that Londoners’ blatant rudeness is a mask to hide how frightened they are of people from other areas.
A new study has shown that behavioural traits associated with the city’s residents, such as impatience, a complete lack of manners and general twattishness, all stem from a deep-rooted fear of non-Londoners.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Over many generations, Londoners have evolved to become utter bellends as a defence mechanism. Like Florida’s saltwater crocodiles they are incredibly hostile, and will attack if you accidentally stand on the wrong side of the escalator in a tube station.
“They are worried that people will enjoy London and decide to stay, making it busier, dirtier and more expensive than ever. Acting like discourteous wankers is their way of making the city as inhospitable and unwelcoming as possible.
“When confronted with a Londoner the most important thing is not to panic. Avoid eye contact and do not smile or offer them a cheery greeting as it triggers their fight or flight response.
“The human brain simply didn’t evolve to live that close to so many franchised branches of Franco Manca. It’s not natural and makes Londoners cold and defensive. They’re to be pitied really.”
