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Kettering confirmed as most adequate place to live

KETTERING is the UK’s most acceptable if unexciting place to live, it has been confirmed.

Researchers discovered that nothing particularly bad or good happens in the Northamptonshire town, which is best-known as the home of Weetabix’s head office.

Kettering resident Eleanor Shaw said: “I feel like my dreams haven’t exactly come true, but I haven’t failed either.

“I am living in the absolute middle of everything and it feels okay.”

Kettering councillor Martin Bishop said: “There was a bit of excitement a few years ago when Gazza managed Kettering Town FC for about a fortnight.

“Not a great deal has happened since then. Everything has just ticked along”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Kettering is beautifully average. If it had a penis it would be exactly 5.1 inches long.”

David Cronenberg to direct nightmarish final Downton Abbey

CANADIAN ‘body horror’ auteur David Cronenberg is to direct the final demented episode of Downton Abbey.

After last night’s teaser scene where Lord Grantham coughed up his stomach, producers confirmed that it all ends in a grotesque nightmare of surreal psycho-sexual horror.

Executive producer Nathan Muir said: “We were short of ideas for a finale until someone said ‘let’s make it like that David Cronenberg film Scanners, where everyone’s head explodes’. It had been a long day so we all agreed.

“Cronenberg is on board and it’s going to be like The Fly meets Videodrome and Naked Lunch but with tweed and better grammar.

“The Crawleys get a new labrador which turns out to be infected by an alien parasite that mutates all the staff into tentacled maniacs.

“Mrs Patmore buys a wireless that tells her to kill everyone, and grows a vagina-like orifice on her forehead before serving up a broth made of human body parts.

“Meanwhile Lady Mary has so much sex that her hair bursts into flames, and Lord Grantham builds a home-made teleporter that goes horribly wrong and ends up with him becoming half-horse.

“Everything gets so intense that your television will shatter and ooze green gunk. That is unless you turn over to watch the news.”

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