subscribe
/ Sign Out

It may be personalised but it's still crap, says recipient of thoughtful gift

A WOMAN is less than thrilled to be shackled to an unwanted piece of tat for the rest of her life because it has her name on it.

Emma Bradford cannot feign excitement for a naff personalised photo frame from Not On The High Street because she will be doomed to display its tacky gold lettering on her mantelpiece until she or the person who gave it to her dies.

She said: “It’s crap but thoughtful, which is the worst kind of gift. It means I have to pretend to look grateful and I’ll feel like a heartless bitch for slinging it in the bin. Even though that’s where it belongs.

“Why does a frame need my name on it anyway? In case I forget who I am? Also it means I can only put a photo of myself in it, which makes me look like a narcissist.

“I’m cornered into using it though. My friend will be looking for it every time she comes around, and I can’t even dump it off at a charity shop because it’s so bloody distinctive. What a considerate, chintzy piece of shit it is.

“I guess I could re-gift it. All I have to do is find a hapless victim with the same name as me, then I can pass the curse on to them like in The Ring.”

Read a real book: how to be the most superior twat on your bus

RIDING the bus is miserable, but you can keep yourself entertained by proving how superior you are to all the other passengers by following these tips: 

Read a real book

Most people blindly scroll on their phones during a bus ride. Not you. As an obviously better human being, only immaculate prose printed on paper is good enough for you. Make a big deal about digging it out of your bag, then loudly mutter ‘where was I?’ to yourself as you try to find where you left off. For bonus points, make sure it’s a hardback.

Have an important conversation

This could either be on the phone or to a fellow passenger. Either way, you need to make sure you speak with a penetrating, booming voice so that everyone has to listen to your monologue. Recommended topics include the minutiae of a workplace problem, the difficulties you’re having managing your fortune, and extensive details about your property portfolio.

Get your laptop out

You’re an important person. You can’t wait until you reach your destination to fire up your laptop and start noisily typing away. You need to do it right now, where everyone else can see and admire your technical prowess. Although maybe make sure nobody can see the screen if all you’re doing is scrolling Twitter and watching conspiracy videos on YouTube.

Look out of the window

Unlike the pathetic sheep sitting all around you, you can go the length of a bus journey without staring at your phone. Instead, as a higher being, you are content with pensively gazing out the window and surveying the world as it whizzes by. No one needs to know that you’re only doing this to settle your travel sickness. It would only spoil your air of aloof mystery.

Give the driver some advice

You might have proven your magnificence to your fellow passengers, but don’t forget to show the driver how incredible you are. Instead of ringing the stop bell, ignore all the signage and tell them to drop you off directly. This will set you apart from the rabble and single you out as someone important. Or a twat, could go either way.

Next story ›