YOU’RE probably glad the brutal days of the playground are long gone. But could playground rules be handy in adult life? Here are some classic childhood phrases to try.
‘I know you are, but what am I?’
Have you f**ked up at work and your boss is accusing you of being ‘incompetent’? Use this classic rejoinder and repeat as necessary. You may appear childish but will have deflected the blame and won this latest bout of office dick-waving.
‘Itchy chin’ (also ‘Jimmy Hill’, ‘Jimmy chin’ and ‘Chinny reckon’)
Try any of the myriad regional variations of this enduring 80s bon mot, which means someone is fibbing. Do you suspect Rob from IT is spinning a line about how long reconfiguring the data centre will take? Unleash ‘Chinny reckon’ and he’ll be telling the truth in no time.
‘Heads I win, tails you lose’
In a domestic setting, are you faced with an impasse such as deciding who goes to the supermarket or takes the bins out? This mind trick of near-Jedi proportions will see you right every time. It does depend on your partner being a gormless twat, so it’s not totally win-win.
‘I’ll tell my dad on you’
Confronted by an angry driver after scraping his car in the Tesco car park? The doubt sown by the possibility that your dad – actually 80 years old with chronic COPD – might get involved could give you enough time to get the f**k out of there without your assailant taking a note of your number plate.
‘My dad’s bigger than your dad’
You’re having a dispute with your neighbour after he damaged your fence and he’s telling his dad (see above). But you can trump it with this threat, until the physical state of both your dads becomes apparent. Maybe you should deal with this like grown-ups? Yes. Although your neighbour is still a big poop face.