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I was born in the wrong era, claims man who would've been a twat whenever

A TWAT insisting that he belongs in a different time period has yet to realise that he would have been just as unpopular a dick then.

Ever since he saw Peaky Blinders Ryan Whittaker has insisted that his objectionable personality would make him a paragon of cool among the smokestacks of 1920s England.

He explains: “Being born in 1990 instead of 1890 has ruined my life, and there’s only so much flat cap-wearing can compensate for that injustice. I blame my parents.

“Men nowadays are meant to be kind, funny and interested in what women have to say. They’re also expected to hold down desk jobs instead of running around killing people and getting off with hot birds in corsets. It’s not fair.

“If I was in a gang in Birmingham in the 1920s, my volatile, unpleasant personality would be an asset rather than an encumbrance. I’d be respected for it.”

Acquaintance James Bates said: “He’s boring, selfish and never gets a round in. He’d be justifiably ostracised from society in the 1920s, the 1820s and in medieval times.

“He’d be a twat in any period of history. The only difference is now we’re obliged to be his friends on Facebook.”

'Queen nice, rest of them arseholes': the key points from Meghan's interview

THE Duchess of Sussex has confirmed that, exactly as Britain already believed, the Queen is nice and the rest of the Royals suck. What did she say? 

Her Majesty a nice old lady

As ever, Elizabeth II has emerged from the whole affair in credit as a pleasant nonagerian who likes dogs, flowers and children. The Sex Pistols’ claim that ‘she ain’t no human being’ has been comprehensively disproven. Though it is possible that she only seems nice in contrast to the rest.

The rest of them are bastards

In days gone by, royals would poison each other, order executions, raise armies against each other and have rivals imprisoned for life. Hardly surprising that centuries of inbreeding have only heightened these instincts, but they’re not allowed anymore so they have to get the tabloids to do it for them.

Meghan doesn’t understand irony

There can be absolutely no doubt that the flowers and apology Meghan received from Kate before her wedding were accompanied by a cuttingly polite and entirely insincere note that should have left the bride-to-be in shreds. However she took the gesture at face value and believed it was genuine. How American can you get?

Charles and Harry aren’t speaking

Your divorced dad, who cheated on your mum loads then used his connections to smear her and keep all his cash and houses, isn’t speaking to you because he doesn’t like the way your wife behaves. Any child of divorce will find this entirely unsurprising, and cannot imagine Harry is missing those calls about ‘bloody modern architecture’ one bit.

Someone called Tyler Perry is involved

Harry and Meghan have fled white British royalty straight into the arms of black British royalty, staying at the California house of Tyler Perry and being interviewed by Oprah. They’re just as rich as our Royals but have even more control over the media because they own chunks of it. F**k no, Harry and Meghan are never coming back.

Meghan is expecting a girl

Meghan is pregnant! Of course, this was announced a month ago but you’d be forgiven for having forgotten entirely, given the vicious, vitriolic roasting she’s received recently. Compare with Rebekah Vardy, who we were repeatedly told should be treated with kid gloves while with child. Wonder what the crucial difference between them is?

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