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How to survive an American candy shop coming to the high street of YOUR town

AMERICAN candy shops are turning your kids into junkies hooked on SWEETS and VAPES, as the Daily Mail would put it. Here’s what to do if this foreign menace appears on your high street. 

SMELL your children’s breath on an hourly basis

Have a good sniff of their mouth for childish vape flavours like bubblegum and strawberry. A single puff on a vape will instantly make them addicted and they will become a child prostitute like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. If you get a whiff of blue raspberry, kick them out of the family home before they start stealing from your purse.

Force-feed your family proper BRITISH sweets

American sweets are full of sugar, whereas proper British sweets contain only natural spring water, fibre and vitamins. The new rule in your house should be: no dinner until you’ve finished your 1kg bag of Bassetts Liquorice Allsorts.

STRIP-SEARCH your children

And confiscate any sweets with suspiciously American names like Jelly Bellys and Jolly Ranchers. Your teenage son will resist a cavity search at first, but persuade him it’s like one of his tragic gangsta rap fantasies and it would happen all the time if the ‘feds’ sent him to the ‘pen’. He’ll probably be quite keen then.

Form a LYNCH MOB

You and other parents should take your kids and march on the American candy store brandishing garden forks and petrol bombs. If a frenzied mob of thick people beats to death a passing stranger with a ‘funny’ accent who must therefore be American, you’re doing a great job as a parent.

Avoid all FOREIGN retailers

Candy shops are yet another dangerous foreign thing like asylum seekers and the French, so encourage your family to be rabid xenophobes about non-British shops. Admittedly this means you’ll only be able to buy things from Morrisons, Halfords and Wimpy, but what five-year-old wouldn’t love a halogen fog lamp for their birthday, followed by taking them and all their friends for a ‘bender in a bun’?

BAN TikTok

The evil tentacles of American candy shops extend to TikTok, where influencers promote their sweets. A TikTok ban will be hard to police, so encourage your family and neighbours to set up a Stasi-like network of informers to report anyone seen using TikTok. The death penalty will be the most effective deterrent, so don’t be tempted to have a quick look at that hot chick who plays classic guitar riffs in a bikini top.

Build a WALL around your TOWN

Like Mongol hordes and the plague, the only guaranteed way to keep candy shops out is to barricade yourselves behind high walls before they get here. Get local residents to fortify your town – Brexiters will be especially keen – and anyone trying to get in, even paramedics, will have boiling oil poured on them. If, despite your efforts, a candy shop establishes itself, commit mass suicide with cyanide. It’s better than the hideous fate of living near a shop selling Twinkies that you’re completely free not to go into.

Game shows sexual perverts want to see rebooted after the success of Gladiators

GLADIATORS drew an audience of 6.4 million, most of whom just wanted to see muscular hotties in sparkly lycra grappling with each other. So what other reboots would appeal to deviants?

Treasure Hunt

Technically, Treasure Hunt was about two contestants in a studio solving clues using maps and communicating them to the ‘skyrunner’, first Anneka Rice and later Annabel Croft. However, all anyone watched it for was to see a woman with an excellent arse jogging across a field or clambering into a helicopter. Classic British perving loved by millions across the nation.

Blind Date

Obviously the contestants couldn’t see each other and picked a partner by asking inane questions, eg. ‘What flavour of crisp would you be?’ ‘I’d be spicy, Paul!’. Then they’d go away for a weekend. It sounds ideal for voyeurs, until they realised sex wasn’t going to take place because the bullshit questions had no bearing on whether they’d be attracted to each other. It was basically live Tinder hosted by Cilla Black, and could easily be rebooted with someone equally annoying like Amanda Holden.

Fun House

The gameshow element of Fun House was definitely entertaining for kids, but what attracted the older pervs were the twins, Melanie and Martina Grant, who acted as sidekicks to Pat Sharp and his frankly incredible mullet. There are undoubtedly plenty of oddballs who still dream about being ‘gunged’ by all three of them in a paddling pool, so the producers wouldn’t even have to bother recasting it. Apart from the mullet.

Man O Man

One for the mums, Man O Man saw a group of men being judged by a rabid audience of possibly drunk women, in categories such as chat-up lines, personality, special skills and so on. The most important round was ‘hunks in trunks’ where women got to blatantly objectify men before ditching them if they weren’t hot enough. Should be rebooted anyway as it’s basically Love Island but without all the boring conversation.

Bullseye

Bullseye was the ultimate gameshow for people who enjoy old school sexist banter and wish they had a speedboat to park on their drive in a landlocked suburb in Crawley. Keep the format exactly as it was, bring back Jim Bowen and market it as ‘anti-woke entertainment for the silent majority’. It didn’t have a gorgeous ‘dollybird’ to show off the prizes like other 80s quiz shows, but Rachel Riley would probably be happy to stand next to a microwave in a bikini. 

Robot Wars

Homemade ‘robots’ fighting each other with picks and circular saw blades may not give everyone an erection, but for a certain type of geeky wrong ’un watching machines with names like Killertron and Penetrator battling it out was the height of sexual tension. Elon Musk could present the reboot – he’d enjoy it and it would distract him from destroying society via social media and autonomous cars that run people over then incinerate the driver.

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