TOO unsurprised to be properly pissed off by yet another f**king Tory lockdown party? Build your anger stamina with these tips:
Warm up
Reading all the details about the Downing Street BYOB party will cause tremendous strain if unprepared. Warm up by bunching your hands into fists and practising the phrases you’re about to scream, like ‘wasn’t the twat in the last chance saloon like three chances ago?’
Think back to May 20th 2020
Two months into lockdown, you were at home slumped in front of Normal People with a hand down your pants or doing your government mandated hour of exercise in a local dogshit park. Meanwhile our ruling elite was at a party. Sticks in the craw, doesn’t it?
Stay hydrated
After reading about the Downing Street garden party you’re likely to have lost a lot of fluids via raging, impotent tears. To maintain a consistent level of useless fury drink plenty of water. Four pints should keep you going until the evening news unless a nonchalant shrugged half-denial emerges. Avoid caffeine.
Recall previous scandals
By midafternoon you’ll feel your energy levels flagging, especially if you’ve had a big stodgy lunch. Pick up the pace by remembering Dido Harding’s track-and-trace, nurses wearing bin bags instead of PPE, and when he said ‘let the bodies pile high’. You’ll be bristling with frustrated wrath in no time.
Look at a photo of Johnson
Only resort to this if you find yourself saying ‘well, I once met in a group of eight so who am I to judge?’ A good, long stare at the face of a man who made the most of the lovely weather while we held ten-person funerals should stoke your outrage. If only there were a way to harness that energy and use it for good.
