YOU can’t even mention children without someone online accusing you of being a wrong ‘un these days. Here’s how to handle it.
Don’t speak to any sprogs that aren’t yours
Just saying a friendly ‘hello’ to a child who is not part of your own family is incredibly dodgy now, so don’t do it. Blank the kids who live on your street, or their dad who spends all his time looking for things to be furious about on Twitter will come out and deck you. If you’ve ever encountered a kid, they just talk shit about dinosaurs, so you’re not missing much.
Take your kids out of sex education
Teaching children about sex and consent is extremely suspicious. So what if being informed enables them to make better life choices? Anyone who shows a child a diagram of a fallopian tube must be a paedo. Ban them from attending and tell them a vague story about a stork delivering babies instead. It’s much safer. For you, not them. They’ll be pregnant at 15.
Don’t tell them LGBTQ+ people exist
Everyone knows that the population would be 100 per cent heterosexual if the gays didn’t go around recruiting children to their cause simply by existing. Same with trans people. Which means that if you mention anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community to someone under the age of 18, you should be put in prison for not letting kids be kids.
Don’t be a drag queen
Why on earth would a drag queen want to read a story to children? Never mind that it’s a paying job they’ve been employed to do at an event organised by a library which parents have chosen to bring their children to. Or that they might just like entertaining kids. No, the only possible reason is that all drag queens are perverts, as are the parents and the trendy leftie library. So don’t be one and you won’t get needlessly slandered on GB News.
Don’t let on that you used to be one
So you used to be a child but you went through puberty and turned into an adult? Bit f**king weird, isn’t it? All that hanging around with kids when you were a child? And what did you do with the kid you used to be? Don’t tell anyone about your shameful child past, or a mob whipped up by your local paedo hunter Facebook group will be kicking down your door.
