WHAT should you do if you encounter a disoriented common person who’s accidentally wandered into Waitrose? Here’s how to help them while avoiding risk to yourself.
Calm them down
The common person is likely to be agitated due to finding themselves surrounded by frightening, unfamiliar items: pesto, choux buns, potatoes without reassuring smiley faces on them. Win their trust by offering them some sea salt and balsamic vinegar Maris Piper shavings, which are similar to their ’crisps’. But obviously completely different.
Be non-threatening
Ask store staff not to approach them. Their uniforms may remind them of prison warders, and many common people will have been ‘inside’. If you have time, change into jogging bottoms and a pink nylon dressing gown. This is what commoners somehow consider acceptable attire for the supermarket. It’s pathetic and really these people shouldn’t be allowed to breed, but it will set them at ease.
Explain their location
Commoners often have poor eyesight and may have assumed the green store branding was Asda. Gently explain that Waitrose sells high-quality, overpriced goods, and they will not find any Snacksters frozen kebabs here. Alternatively they may have seen the salad section and, not knowing what it is, think they are in the countryside.
Bond with them
Find the scratchcard you bought ironically at the seaside, and ask ‘Excuse me, have I won a tenner?’ The commoner will instinctively examine the card for prizes, and if all goes well, sympathetically inform you, ‘Soz, you’ve won f**k all, love.’ You have now built up a rapport, like a dolphin trainer, except dolphins are highly intelligent.
Escort them to safety
Lead the common person to the exit as staff and customers applaud. The exotic sights such as delicatessens and coq au vin ready meals may be overwhelming. If they experience anxiety en route, dab a mixture of agave syrup and Oaxacan salsa in the corners of their mouth, calming them with the familiar taste of ‘ketchup’.
Cut the cord
Now safe and out of the store, the commoner may attach itself to you like a duckling thinking a human is its parent. Tempting though it may be to keep it as a pet, it has its own life to lead. Say your farewells and send it off in the general direction of the German budget offal shed where it normally does its shop. Well done!
