Government to spend £600bn on four gigantic things

THE government is to spend almost £600 billion on the four biggest things it could think of.

The plans include £100bn on a six mile-wide footpath which will spiral outwards from Derby and then just disappear into the sea.

More than £130bn will be spent adding 200,000 new shops to Swindon, each one specially designed to go out of business after six hours.

£150bn will be spent on a two foot-wide, 10 mile-high, stainless steel pyramid which will be moved around the country so people can touch it.

£210bn will be spent electrifying every single tree in Britain. The trees will then explode, one by one, over the next 350 years.

Danny Alexander, the chief secretary to the Treasury, said: “Perhaps all of this will stop Britain disappearing underwater for half the year. I really have no idea.”

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Number of housewives needing sex with any male internet user reaching crisis point

THE volume of attractive wives needing immediate no-strings sexual encounters is becoming a humanitarian crisis, it has been claimed.

‘Extra marital’ dating website owner Tom Booker said: “People think we’re just making this stuff up to get lonely men’s credit details, but if anything our adverts are playing down the severity of the horny wife situation.

“Quite apart from the 7,000 naked photos I am sent on a daily basis, vast hordes of them have started turning up at our office and banging on the doors. In fact we are currently trapped in the building.

“They are all very attractive and could be actresses in daytime soaps. Often they arrive naked, reduced to an animal level by their wild appetites. We throw them raw meat out of the window.

“I guess that’s just what happens when work-obsessed husbands neglect their partner’s needs.”

Very good-looking housewife Emma Bradford said: “I want sex right now with any man in my post code region, however old, fat or unhygienic.

“Apart from that my main interests are knitting, baking and world cinema.”

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