Giving kids stuff makes them like you, uncles confirm

THE nation’s uncles have confirmed that if you turn up every three months or so with a big present, the kids think you are great. 

Tom Booker, an uncle to four children, admitted that he had initially expected it to be hard work forming a bond, but that big gifts do the job very efficiently. 

He said: “They’re at the windows when before I’ve even got out of the car, shouting ‘Uncle Tommy! Uncle Tommy!’ 

“Then I do this thing where I head to the front door, do a double-take, go back to the car and get whatever I’ve just bought them out of the boot while they work themselves into a frenzy. 

“I expected I’d have to play with them, you know, get on the carpet and put some time in, but they really don’t care. So I just head to kitchen and help myself to a beer.

“I get the whole works: ‘We love you, Uncle Tommy!’ ‘When are you coming again, Uncle Tommy?’ all for about £40 a quarter.

“I’ve considered writing some sort of guide, but it would be very short.” 

Artisan bakery like methadone clinic for middle class people

AN artisan bakery is making middle class people behave as if it were dispensing a heroin-like substance.

The Flour and Dough bakery in Bristol always has a queue of anxious-looking urban professionals peering in its windows well before it opens at 8.30am.

Dishevelled property owners, who moved from London to try and escape £8-a-day sourdough habits, are desperate to get their hands on its baked goods even to the extent of having a small, very shit fight.

Customer Nathan Muir said: “I can’t sleep thinking about the loaves with the olives in. I have one in the morning but then the effects wear off by the evening then it’s like I’ve got bugs under my skin.

“But even a standard sourdough loaf would be enough to stop me clucking.”

The bakery also sells semi-ironic Eccles cakes and small unsatisfying pasties that cost £3.50.

Owner Stephen Malley said: “We leave little bread morsels on the counter with some dipping oil. That’s usually enough to get them on the hook.

“Once they’ve got a serious habit you jack up the prices. We do a bloomer for £68, this morning some poor web designer bastard was trying to swap his iPhone 8 for it.”