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Gay Men And Straight Women Both Like Cock, Says Study

THE brains of gay men and straight women are very similar, particularly their love of cocks, experts said last night.

The Institute for Studies examined the brain response patterns produced by various stimuli, including Liza Minelli, male genitalia, summer tops and Grey's Anatomy.

The men showed some interest in women's fashions, while the women were mostly indifferent to the star of Arthur and Cabaret.

But the brain patterns matched exactly when the researchers produced photographs of great big, fat cocks.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "My big brain scanning device lit up like a Christmas tree and all these alarms started going off.

"Meanwhile, the little pens that draw those graphs that come out of the machine were going mental, like there was an earthquake."

He added: "This means there is either something wrong with my equipment, or gay men and straight women share a very similar attitude towards cocks. And shit telly, they both like that too."

Government To Appoint Bullshit Tsar

THE government is to appoint a powerful new 'czar' to regulate the bullshit professions, including homeopathy, acupuncture and estate agency. 

The department for enterprise said the regulator's remit will also cover public relations, marketing, advertising, finance and a wide range of diet-related bullshit.

Tom Logan, labour market analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "At the moment anyone can join a bullshit profession or set themselves up as a bullshitter.

"They simply rent an office, buy a bad suit and point at houses. Or they get a white coat and a chart of the human body, and then stick pins in your tongue, or claim they can cure cancer with some cheese, a teabag and a cucumber."

An enterprise department spokesman said: "While every profession is tainted with bullshit, we want to start by regulating those sectors that are founded on a solid core of pure bullshit.

"The bullshit tsar's first task will be to commission a firm of bullshitters to design a large building shaped like an upturned pram and then fill it with chancers who will spend the first year devising a series of slogans about bullshit."

He added: "Once we have picked a really good slogan the czar and his team will then draw up a series of bullshit qualifications that will mean absolutely fuck all."

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